End. Begin Again.

This will be my last post on this blog. ((End))
jinxx553.blogspot.com is the new site. ((Begin again))

~

It is 2008 now.
The first news I got when I woke up in the New Year was that of a suicide. Someone very close to my sister. Rachel.
I have nothing to say about it except that it is a shock.
Of course I am sad.
We are all sad.
And I am angry also. Angry at us.
Not my family. We opened our doors to her for whenever she needed.
No, I am angry at human nature.
We have so much to learn...

This anger,
this grief,
is my fuel,
my inspiration
for my resolution
to help.

I am going to grow today.
Outgrow this blog,
and become ready for a new era in my life.

Things will be different.

I will change the world.

Seeking...

What you don't understand.
Nyg...there is nothing you can do for me.
I don't know how to make you realize this.
What I need right now goes beyond talking over a telephone...
I need a friend I can count on to be right here, by my side.
I can't explain why,
or how I know this...
it is just what I find myself longing for.

What I don't understand.
Friendship...
I don't know what to expect from friendship anymore.
Through all this gossipy bullshit.
Through all the lies and secrets.
Fake hugs and smiles.
Friendships are so much less then they should be.
They are like epic stories:
how they begin.
...and end.

Funnily enough Tara randomly turned on Hocus Pocus.
3 words: Caitlin, Danne, Me.
What a friendship.
Add Jasmine and Becca into that -- holy hell!
and it was like this brilliant flash in our lives, and in so many ways...it is gone now...

And look at the Facakes. It is like this wonderful bond
yet it only goes So far
and it will only last So long.
Because it is only So strong...and that strength is fading fast, for me especially.

Liberation.
From everything.
People mainly.
I want human connection. Desperately.

blech...
Im done writing this blog.
Trying to explain how I feel.

Im fine.
Just a little lost.

Limbo.

"Hello Wind.
Hello limbo.
There is nothing universal...
nothing constant but change.
So WHAT do we hold on to
while this storm rages in our minds and hearts
- tears at our souls
- rips us from the only sense of truth we have ever known?"

I am in between.
Sadness and something.
I hope it is happiness cause I just want to feel better than this.
I want MORE than fine.
And I don't want to be stuck anymore.
But I am.
And the worst part, I am alone.
Not even JUST the fact that guys are like REPELLED by me,
but I don't have but also there is no one for me to confide in...
there are no people to actually maintain a true friendship with...
The one person I thought I had to talk to has been completely distant lately.
I want Caitlin...Not only do I miss her, but I miss having a best friend to just chill and watch movies with and laugh and talk with...not just once in a while, but all the time.

I am stuck.
Everything is dull.
Nothing is right.
I am stuck.
(Even reflected by my unfinished Rubix Cube and that stupid level on Halo that I can't pass...)

I am just watching.
And everything is in slow motion.

I need a break.
I need a change.
Something...
Someone...

Recovery.

"There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.
What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
So what would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
god wouldn't let it live.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in."

These lyrics aren't from me to anyone.
They are from you to me.
I think I almost died this past 24 hours from being sick (or perhaps I am exaggerating)
but if I had, these lyrics would have been even more fitting than they already are.

As humbling as being sick is for me,
and as much as it puts me in my place,
it does not make me forget what I do for people
and the sacrifices I have made for the sake of the happiness of others.
Being sick also puts other things in perspective: vanity, unfriendliness,
and the things we do to ourselves that put our lives at risk simply for the sake of being cool, or for a night of fun, or for a temporary high.

meh. i need to recollect my thoughts.
hopefully this makes a bit of sense to you.
If not, I blame illness. :P

The Problem.

The problem with being ready to leave, is that I'm ready to leave RIGHT NOW; not 6 months from now.

I am ready to pack up the essentials.
And leave everything else behind.

I am ready to leave this "prison" -- as The Postal Service puts it -- and put some good distance between myself and these people and this place. (No I am not talking about ALL of you, but the majority, yes, you are included...)

I am ready to do something with this passion and this anger and this lust that I have built up inside of me. And like I said, I am ready to do it RIGHT NOW.
Not 6 months from now.

I don't want 6 more months of high school.
I don't want 6 more months of being treated like a child.
I don't want 6 more months of standing by while you people have your fun.
I don't want 6 more months of wondering who will walk with me and graduation.
I don't want 6 more months hoping that I will get the right date for prom.
I don't want 6 more months of the Facakes.
I don't want 6 more months of "not being good enough" when I am better than you could ever hope for.
I don't want 6 more months of wondering if I am missing out on true High school.

I am ready to be done with all of this.

But this is what I have. 6 more months of many difficult tasks, until I am unleashed into the world.
I just want to enjoy it.
Somehow.
Someone.
Please help me find a way to enjoy it.

Love.

Today in health the teacher was basically trying to make us come up with a definition for love. it pissed me off because that seemed like a really shallow topic, since I don't find love to be definable, and trying to confine it to a single idea is quite impossible. Needless to say I didn't participate in the discussion until she specifically asked me a question: "what makes love last?"
and i said "love lasts indefinitely, if it is true."
and she said "no, i mean, what MAKES it last?"
and i said "nothing MAKES it last. it just IS, eternally. In my opinion what you are really trying to ask is what makes relationships last, and in that case: commitment, loyalty, compromise, acceptance, ect."
she just got mad, nodded her head in that "you-are-so-naive" fashion, and moved on.

For the rest of the day I felt like shit.
It just bothered me.
Love isn't black and white. In fact, almost Nothing is THAT black and white.
Emotions especially are much more convoluted than that, yet she is treating it like 2+2=4.
I wanted to write about it but by the time I got home, I really didn't even want to think about it. Eventually I got so pissed off thinking about it that I wrote it all down in a passage that I might try to read to the class tomorrow.

"I agree; being in love is more than unsteadiness of breathing - more than butterflies in your stomach.

I always use to think everything would be certain in love, but from my experience, quite the contrary is true. The feeling is deliberate to me when I am in it, but often unapparent to others who are merely observing.

So what is “Love”? We keep trying to describe it. There are innumerable ways that people have used since the beginning of human existence. So, who is to discredit any one of them? Who is to say they aren’t all correct in some sense of the word?

And isn’t that just it – “Love” is a WORD. What we so feebly try to define is an EMOTION - not a word. “Love” just happens to be the word used to describe that feeling.

But words do not accurately describe emotions,

And age does not accurately project the depth of emotions any one individual is capable of feeling.

I don’t want to pretend I know what love is for everybody, but I also don’t want you to pretend to know what it is for me."

I don't know. I hope I get a good reason to read this tomorrow. And I really hope it is well received and not taken as an attack on anyone. It is just an observation, and an opinion about the validity of teaching this unit by stating things like emotion as definite fact when it is generally individualized. We will see...

Oh yea, Spanish class was interesting too. But meh. I should get some sleep.

Almost New.

"Solitude means no distractions from my thoughts, and no where to hide from reality. It is deliberate and unspoiled..."

That is all from my journal that I feel like posting today. The rest is too questionable: Things that maybe I felt at the time, but are probably best kept to myself.


I am pretty sure when the new year rolls around I am going to start an entirely new blog site. Two years ago I began a new one for the new year. Last year there wasn't any closure or completion. This year, there is.
I am fairly sure I will just call it Jinxx3, to keep them all united.

I remember when my brother use to write blogs. Whenever something huge happened, he would create a new site. It went from like Iron Age, to Steel Age, to Golden Age. And then it stopped. He is a brilliant writer. He is simply a brilliant person. I wish I could find his old sites.

Yea, I have things to do, but maybe I will write again later tonight.

Reboot.

All I have to do to get away from that is turn off the computer.
To get away from this...shut down my mind.

So, thanks for lying. Thanks for ALL this bullshit. Both of you. And no, you DON'T know who you are. You both think that in both these situations, everything is all okay, and everything will be okay. Because I am letting you think that. Because I am forcing myself to try and believe it.

Why do I feel the need to suppress these things?
I just don't want to lose what took so long to gain.
So I pretend that it doesn't matter (it shouldn't matter.)
but at the same time, I shouldn't ignore feelings, actions, problems.
That shows no sense of responsibility.
But like I said, I don't want to push it, or overdo it.
I don't want to cross the bounds and lose people for it.
Confused says the least.

There are too things keeping me from falling off this thin line of happiness that I walk. One of them is will. My own will, to keep my head up, to prove something, to finally enjoy life to the full extent.
The other is, oh, what do you call it? Some sort of game. (I wanna say hopscotch, but that isnt exactly what I mean.) Balance on one foot, jump onto two, balance on the other. It is like jumping to wherever I get a foothold, and hoping that it holds me up until I can find another. OH, it is like rock climbing. (GO FIGURE!) Some amount of trust is require to keep going up.

I am fine, don't get me wrong.
But I am hurt by both of you.
One of you who I have trusted for eternity to AT LEAST be honest with me.
And the other who, out of many people, should be able to understand me and connect with me, but whose depth has been encased in another, whose sense of truth has been blinded by surroundings, and above all things, whose lack of self esteem allows over intimidation.

~~

All of these above issues are being observed from the outside, where I am. Where not many people can actually touch me. When I get here - outside this group, outside this valley, outside this country, and even outside this world - I am generally alone. But there are times, when someone reaches outside and tries to feel me, and what I feel, without all the distractions (smog, material, society - the negative influence of this world upon me.)

One person in particular has done this for me. A person who is always around, but generally somewhat distant. When I get an opportunity to be with this person, alone, it is brilliant. Some of the best times of my life - times that stick with me, and get me through other times. When we get this opportunity to actually communicate as humans should, this person feels me, listens to me, stays up all night talking to me, makes me feel alive, and generally helps me determine that there is truth in the thoughts I have been pondering.

There is not much else to say. No huge connection to make.
You sort them out for yourself.
I am not depressed anymore,
at least I can confidently say that for the first time in 5 years.

Quote of the Month. November.

Theme. Perseverance.

"In the confrontation between the river and the rock, he river always wins...not through strength, but by perseverance."

First thing that comes to mind is my new favorite word, "synchronicity." It sums up "everything happens for a reason" in one word. It tells of a life that is full of intertwining paths. It reveals connectivity.

I always found them funny, coincidences. I guess I still do because I often laugh in disbelief when they arise (which has been quite frequent as of late). Anyway, it is interesting to me, that this theme would happen to fall on my calender on the very month I begin to break out of my 5 year slump.

Perseverance. Through this, I made it! I survived all those times I wanted to die, all of that suffering and heartbreak, all of those painful lonely nights, all the time I was living with no meaning, all the thoughts of hopelessness. I pushed myself, I never gave up, and I actually reached the end of that seemingly endless tunnel. And I am still alive, in-fact, even more-so than I ever was.

Stepbacktosquareone.

Don't you like how it all comes together when it falls apart?
"I'm slow to finish but I'm quick to start."

This puzzle is all coming together.
But the final product is more perplexing than the jumble of pieces I began with.

Coincidences or revelations.
Dates that lapse over eachother like water that has been here and everywhere before.
Horoscopes, words, beats, the pounding in my head, that cage and this one.
Relevance within sound and reads.
Plans and directions. That fit and conflict.

Oh sweet irony.
(I would say leave me be.)
((But you make this life so bittersweet.))

Last Night.

I went to Ben's party. It was great fun. I talked to many people whom I haven't seen much lately including people from Mount Si and people who had gone off to college. We played some hardcore N-64 especially Super Smash Bros and Mario Kart. Then all the guys and a few of the girls went outside and played a ton of tackle football. It was a free-for-all and exciting beyond reason. Matt Fujimoto took me OUT. haha. Then I played a bit of soccer with Haley and Heidi and we all went inside. We decided it was time for presents and cake and so we watched Ben open his gifts while we scarfed some cake. He got juggling balls so he and his brother put on a circus for us and I was their assistant. Then we roasted marshmallows for s'mores out by the fire and drank some delicious hot chocolate. Ben and Drake put on a great marshmellow shooting show in which Drake launched a marshmellow from his mount and Ben caught it in his. Quite... entertaining. We had a dance party and Ken James brightened up my life with his dance moves. Ben and Drake and Ken gave us a catwalk show as me and John watched in astonishment and the others played video games. We then decided to chill out to the Across the Universe soundtrack and then me and Ken decided to listen to John play some guitar. When those two guys left, I took a nap on the floor next to Shadow, Ben's doggy, and waited for Kristin to take me home.
Then there was my encounter:
ok, so some of us Facakes rented Resident Evil, the video game, tonight and we were kinda getting scared playing it...
and so i have been thinking about zombies more than usual. all night. but it was fine cause i was with people until recently.
so i am sitting in my room listening to music, waiting to get tired and i finally decide that it is time to get ready for bed. so i go into the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face. and all the while i was thinking "what if a zombie is in the shower. i kinda checked but not really...ok so i should start thinking about the video game and what i need to do if one sneaks up on me. just kick it until it is down, and then run into my room, barricade the door and grab the zombie manual. and then call Alicia and tell her and try to figure something out. but she wouldn't pick up cause of SATS tomorrow. so call Brian. but what if he didn't believe me? and thought i was kidding or something? and what if it was all a joke put on by them and James in the first place. how ridiculous would that be?"
yea, i made up that entire scenario while in real life, i was brushing my teeth...and then i started washing off the tooth brush and i hear this scratching at the wall between the game closet in James' room and the bathroom. not just scratching, but like...scraping and knocking. I dropped my toothbrush and fell back onto the other wall, which caused me to run into the towel hanger which i thought was a zombie arm and i swung around with my foot and kicked the wall... and then fell to the ground laughing and crying.

yea, it is pretty fuckin retarded.
but...how the fuck am i supposed to sleep tonight?

yea. intense night.

Books.

I discredit books a lot. I mean, for the past...4 years I have been claiming that I hate reading. Yet every single fictional book (along with many non-fiction ones) that I sit down and actually read, captivates me.

It is like the way a really good movie affects me, where I just want to like repeat the line...and say "gaahh. brilliant." And then, it is like when I am listening to music, I just want to sing out the words that means so much to me. When I am reading, I actually do that. All the time. Say the brilliant lines aloud, and then say "GAHH. Brilliant."

I mean, I guess my claim that I hate reading stems from the facts that
1) I am terrible at reading out loud...flow and such...
2) I am a slow reader...I analyzed everything, and it has to be perfectly quiet for me to gain anything from the text or else I find myself repeating it, over and over...

But, no. I don't hate it. Not by any means. In fact, it is probably the most calming thing I can do. True, many books wind me up because they get my emotions running so wild, but whenever I can't sleep I end up writing, and reading what I have written. Or reading one of the two books of quotes that live beside my bed. I guess subconsciously, it is my...therapy. More than music and more than movies, I connect with book, with writer, with characters because I can delve into it. I can...immerse myself in it. I mean, this quite thoroughly explains my dedication to song lyrics over actual music, and what a movie has to say rather that what it shows on the screen.
Amazing.

Anyway, this book, The Awakening. Hitting home for me right now. If I could, I would type out all the quotes that cause my outburst of laughter or tears or exclamation when I am sitting all alone in my room reading them. But here, I will just do two:
"The bird that would soar above the level plain of tradition and prejudice must have strong wings."

and quite contrastingly:
"She felt as if a mist had been lifted from her eyes, enabling her to look upon and comprehend the significance of life, that monster made up of beauty and brutality. But among the conflicting sensations which assailed her, there was neither shame nor remorse. There was a dull pang of regret because it was not the kiss of love which has inflamed her, because it was not love that held this cup of life to her lips."

Don't know what else to say.
Books hold me like they love me.
It feels good. I missed that.

>>ABC<<

Object: A.
Location: Somewhere on a train
Date: November 25, 2007

"Hello Happiness. Nice to meet you! This contentedness is overwhelming. :) The places I will go. The people I will meet. The things I will experience. and the things that I won't. Tonight, it all seems right.

Me. I feel strong, determined, ready. On the verge of grasping a wisdom that will hold my life together. Perhaps it is already in my grip, my fingers.

I face backwards on this northbound train as if I was reluctant to leave this place that holds so much of my heart and desire. But that is far from the truth. I am not reluctant. I am still moving forward. Not looking back. The train is moving me. Life is moving me. And I am letting it take me and move me and shape me. But I feel in control.

Oh life. Your full extent is offered to all, and only some truly stretch to gather it all. Oh life, I will take you, use you, cherish you. I will do, be, breath with all that is inside of me.

Oh revelations...
I cannot put you into words."


Object: B
Location: where ever it is, it feels like a prison.
Date: November 26, 2007

"This place is like a disease. I was so happy yesterday on the train. SO happy. But right when I got home, RIGHT when I walked into my room, I was suffocated with this feeling - the same feeling I have always felt here. ALWAYS. Because I moved. Because of heartbreak. Because of parents. Because of betrayal. Because of internal loneliness and emptiness. Because of whatever has held me to this depression for 5 fucking years, through love, through therapy, through laughter and times that should be rejoiced. And for the first time in I-don't-know-how-long, I felt right; riding that train. I felt like I was going somewhere. It's the same feeling I briefly feel in the passenger seat of your car. Not even with my favorite person in the entire world do I feel whole. I feel alone. Detached from everyone in this world. And I don't feel like I can even complain about it without having someone blame me for trying to figure out what is wrong with me, or a situation or anything. I have said it before, I AM DONE. But I don't even know what that means anymore. So I guess I just have to wait. And wait without counting down the minutes that pass. I don't want to want time to go by more quickly. I just want to be happy."


Object: C
Location: My room
Date: November 27, 2007

I've tried being optimistic, happy-go-lucky, laid back. I have tried therapy and I have asked for help. The only thing I haven't tried that has been suggested is taking prescribed medication. I don't believe I could allow myself to do that. And yea, the reason is because I'm scared, that it will make it worse, or even, possibly, that it will make it better. Well, there is my problem right there. Fear. Fear is ... the only problem we ever really face. Don't ya think? Just throwin' that out there...

Hmm. I should get better sleep tonight. And start running again. Then it will at least feel like I am making progress.
Oh, and I don't think people should worry. I think people should just...I don't even know. I almost want to say give me advice, but on the other hand I kinda want to say ignore me and don't talk about it. And part of me just wants a hug. And another part wants to disappear. Who knows? I sure as hell don't. And if I don't, then I can't expect you to. Ah, what I really need is someone to give me a break once in a while...like, leeway, or just plain TLC. Or even something that makes me feel worthwhile, like consideration for me.

Blech. Now I am rambling. And being selfish. So off to homework land. A land where magical things happen, like giving you the motivation to stay up all night trying to finish projects and then allowing you to almost set your house on fire. For example. :\

Thanks.

So, everyone has been writing these Thanksgiving blogs about what they are thankful for. Quite frankly, I couldn't make a real list if I tried. There are so many people and circumstances that I am thankful for. And my previous blog was about the most important people in my life so this one is going to be different.

The air we breath
shared between
you and me
and animals and trees.
This earth and all it provides.
This love it draws you and I to life.
This place, these gifts.
The music that lifts our hearts to soar.
These reasons grow and change.
The pain. This joy.
This life is everything.

18.

It was really good for me.
I just want to thank my friends and family again and again for making it unforgettable.

I enjoyed relaxing without a care in the world for the first time in a long time.

:)

Here are some extra special thanks.

Other Birthday Girls
Caitlin - Hope you enjoyed your birthday. We will always be soul mates. I believe that with all that is in me. Can you remember 10 years ago? We never could have known that those two tiny 8 year old girls, just happened to have the same birthday which began the very foundation for this never ending friendship. You are my other half and without you my life would be so incomplete. Thank you for helping to maintain this once in a lifetime relationship.

Jackie - I am glad to hear you had a wonderful birthday as well. Meeting you was probably the miracle I was granted when I moved up here. We have our differences, it is true, but without you I never would have made it this far. Thank you for sticking by my side through all the obstacles of high school and life. Our bond with never be broken.

Family
Nathan - I am older now, but i still feel like a kid - even more so then before, in fact. What you wrote in that note will be read a million times over and over. I deeply appreciate and trust your many words of wisdom.

Mom - The little things you give me are always so full of meaning but they don't even begin to reflect the relationship you and I have built together. You are more a part of me than anything else in this world and I will never let that go.

Dad - I'll always be your little girl. And your star goalie. And I will never forget all that you have done for this family. You are so brilliant and you inspire me to continue on the path toward excellence. I love you.

Becca - Yes, your big sister is growing up. Maybe not as fast as you, and maybe faster than you'd have hoped or expected. When we get along, nothing else matters. What I have in you as a sister, as a life long friend, is one of the most important things in my life and I wouldn't ever trade it for anything else.

Alicia - You are my wall. When I want to collapse you pick me up, straighten me out and hold me there until I can hold myself again. You challenge me in ways you probably don't even realize. You say I am one of your heroes, but I learned so much of it from you. Thank you for your acceptance, your trust, and your love.


I never would have survived this past year without any one of these people and more. All I can do is smile and shake my head in disbelief at how amazing I feel right now. Thank you. Thank you all.

17.

Today, is the last day
to be 17.
17 as a number of years that is.
and 17 as an outsiders determiner of who I am.
But not 17 as the true me.
I will always be 17 and 16 and 15 and so on.
That baby who was born 18 years ago tomorrow. is that same person who sits in her room typing away about life.
That 16 year old who a year ago tonight, fell on her futon crying for everything - for a boy, for the world and for a life that was slipping away, is the same 17 year old girl who fell on her futon last week crying for everything - for a boy, for the world, and for a life that was slipping away.
But now that 17 year old girl is about to be an 18 year old girl too.
And that 18 year old who will be driving with a license soon, is the same 13 year old who crashed into a tree the first time her mother let her drive.

Time is a silly thing.
Precious and silly.
Precious that one second can make a difference between life or death.
Silly that people make such a fuss over a year going by.
We keep track so that time doesn't escape us.
Yet we escape it.
We sit at our desks praising each tick of the clock.
"Just get me through this day."
Don't deny it.
As long as you make it through this month you will be fine?
Am I right?
I do it too.

Anyway, I can remember a year ago tonight as vividly as if it were tonight.
So that tells me that a year isn't all too long.
And soon enough, I will be 19 and 20.
But no longer am I am going to try to slow or hasten the time.
It will be a habit to break, but call it a newyearsresolution.
'Cept I'm starting it now.
I want to embrace every second, good or bad.
I want to fill each moment with as much life as possible so that each minute is an hour and each hour a day and each day a week and so on.

Needless to say, I am happy it is my b-day tomorrow.

But I am sad about other things.
I am lonely.
I am worn out.
I am spread too thin.

I hope tomorrow turns out nicely though.

NOW

would be a GREAT time for a miracle.

Pace.

pacing

i know how i want to be.

tears

i fight for it!

punches

"locked up in this place"

my mind...

thoughts

what is wrong with me?

step back

"the hazed out sun wont help anyway"

cringe

"holding my breath tight"

why am I drawn?

held down

drugs.

prayer

fall back

nobody scares me like myself

"tryin' to keep my head on right"

...to be alive

breathe.

I KNOW HOW I WANT TO BE

arms open.
falling.
free.


whydoesthisfollowme?
why am i so
haunted?

guilt?
I THOUGHT I GOT RID OF YOU!

memories...
'they will always bring you back,
they will always hurt.'

cycle again.

wrap my head

tear my fuckin hair out...


you were almost gone.
you were almost DEAD.

so
this is from stress
the patterns.
proof.
dontpanic
but
HOW DO I HELP MYSELF?
How do I do that with out hurting everyone else?
I am asking now...
how do I help myself?

take a step backwards for once...
where?
where is there enough leeway in this life to allow me to do that for myself?
there isn't...
in this cruel...
unforgiving...
dishonest...
and misunderstanding world.

How I want to be.
I want to wake up with the attitude that I can and will make things better in this place...
but my mind...
my mind...
if only you could see inside my mind.


i feel it is my greatest enemy...

pace.
pace.
step...

the unlife of the unwell

Fuck
MP3 players that break on you after you put all your faith in them
Boys who don't realize how amazing you really are
Essays that were slaved over but are never good enough
Contacts that irritate your eyes right when you need them most
Homework assignments that don't make any sense
Wind that just doesn't blow hard enough
Food that is unnecessarily unhealthy
Birthday plans that fall through the fuckin' floor
Operations that make your mouth taste like absolute shit
Choices that have to be made right away
College applications that are due way too soon
Graduation requirements that are impossible to meet
Movies that make you paranoid
Celebrations that conflict with eachother
Teachers who don't care about you as an actual human being
Time, which always seems to slip away...

GODDAMNIT
this isn't living.

Pessimism

I dont know what it was.
I woke up today feeling so horrible.
So pessimistic.

I want to know how it is.
I want to return to how it was.
I want to feel it.
I want to be there.
I'm not.


I don't know what it is
listening to AVA
knowing I get to see Caitlin in 2 weeks
winning the game
talking to Nyg
getting to see Nathan tonight

someday

"alex, you have done wonders for my life. but i want to be free."
"alex, you are magnificent, I'm not interested."
"alex, you are oh so lovely, but i will always love her."
"alex, i love you, but i can't make that sacrifice for you."
"alex, you are fantastic, but there is nothing there between us."
"alex, you are great, but i want sex too."
"alex, i miss you, but 300 miles is too far."
"alex, you light up my life, but i'd rather light up on drugs."

someday,
the "but" wont even exist in thought.

Fix This.

spiderman: Before you can begin fixing anything, you must first start by doing the hardest thing... forgiving yourself.

I'm not asking for your forgiveness. I just want you to understand.

whatever comes our way,whatever battle we have raging inside us, we always have a choice. my friend harry taught me that. he chose to be the best of himself. its the choices that make us who we are, and we can choose to do whats right.

Uncle Ben wouldn't want us living with revenge in our hearts, it's like a poison. It can take us over and turn us into something ugly.

None of that matters, Peter. You're my friend.


me:
...i ...i dont know. the past 3 years of my life have been...so full of...the ups and downs ...so chaotic, and so...difficult. and today...everything stopped, just long enough for me to realize... something. i dont even know what it is... i think it is just that... i am human

to understand that... you might have to wait. but if anything drastic changes between me and other people within the next couple of days, it is because i am human and because i made a mistake and because i am going to fix it


quote:
Nothing is easier than self-deceit. For what each man wishes, that he also believes to be true.

Falsehood is easy, truth so difficult.

Truth comes as conqueror only to those who have lost the art of receiving it as friend.

I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. This is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant.

The world is too dangerous for anything but truth and too small for anything but love.

The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off.

A historian who would convey the truth must lie. Often he must enlarge the truth by diameters, otherwise his reader would not be able to see it.

More than Anything.

I don't think I could tell you if I tried.

But I will.

Because this means everything.
This, more than anything else.

music.

there are a lot of things just jumping out at me right now...

"who says we die, before we live."

"i give much more than I'd ever ask for..."

"Give me strength to be kind... To combine all the good things in life that were so hard to find."

"she just might get you lost and she just might leave you torn, but she just might save your soul but she gets you any closer."

"stop being so hard on yourself. It's not good for your health. I know that you can change. So clear your head and come around. You only have to open your eyes, You might just get a big surprise. And it may feel good and you might want to smile, smile, smile. Don't you let your demons pull you down."

"that's when it turned on me a motorcade of 'meant to be's’, parades of beauty queens where soft entwines make kindling, these many detailed things, like broken nails and plastic rings will win by keeping me from speaking to my new darling, and there's no way to know our future foe scenarios, that's when it turned on me, where bobby pins hold angel wings."

"Tough, you think you've got the stuff. You're telling me and anyone you're hard enough.You don't have to put up a fight, you don't have to always be right. Let me take some of the punches for you tonight."

"Breathe! Suffocation within, because of what your sayin'. To understand, is to begin again, Yet to Begin, is to live again. I would die to breath again."


so yea...
Alicia says "just take care of yourself until you are better. fuck everything else until you are ok."
take care of myself
until i am ok.
take care of myself
until i am ok again.

hey did you know:
if 'drums' was spelled 'frums' it would be spelled 'Smurf' backwards.
yea, thats right.

Apathy...

Today was weird.
It was like...chill.
I donno...no matter what happened...it was nothing special.

ap·a·thy /ˈæpəθi/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[ap-uh-thee] noun.

1.	absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement.

2.	lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting.

and i should be sleeping...

I have this song stuck in my head.
Goodbye Apathy. by OneRepublic
it could pretty much describe a lot for me right now.

"I can't sleep now, no, not like I used to
I can't breathe in and out like I need to
It's breaking ice, now, to make any movement
What's your vice? you know that mine's the illusion
And all at once (as i'm trying)
I can help you out (just to keep things right)
I'll be what you need (I kill myself to make everything perfect for ya)
Goodbye apathy, so long apathy

So don't sit still, and don't you move away from here
So goodbye apathy (as i'm trying),
so long fancy free ( just to keep things right)
Goodbye apathy, (kill myself to make everything perfect for ya)
I don't wanna be you

I don't walk right, not like I used to
There's a jump in my step as I rush to see you
I could be happy here as long as you're near to me
As long as you're close to me
Now that I'm alright (as i'm trying)
I can help you out ( just to keep things right)
I'll be what you need (I kill myself to make everything perfect for ya)
Goodbye apathy, goodbye apathy

So don't you stop pushing me, I can take so much
So goodbye apathy (as i'm trying),
so long fancy free ( just to keep things right)
Goodbye apathy, (kill myself to make everything perfect for ya)
I don't wanna be... you...

Everybody is watching you, everybody is watching me
too ...."

Magic.

Ben.
Saved my life.
I was skeptical. I had work to do.
But he got me away from my distractions and brought me out for a night of fun.
When I remembered something else that I had to do, I almost completely lost interest in the idea of leaving to have a good time. But we were already gone. And thank Geezus for that. It was worth it.
Stuffing 9 people in a 7 person vehicle, in a car with a broken speedometer, and driving out to a haunted forest on the plateau.
Maybe it sounds stupid to you, but it was so thrilling.
Even just sitting next to him in the car made my heart happier.
But standing in line with the other 8 people and playing "If you love me..." was completely cleansing and refreshed my entire system.
The haunted pathway was scary. And I really got into it which I think everyone enjoyed laughing at. I think I fell down like 5 times trying to escape the psychos.
I laughed and cried. It was just great fun with a really good bunch of people.
But after the maze was over, I realized I had managed to drop my cell phone while evading certain death.
This dampened the entire evening. It made me wonder why i even left my house. It made ask myself why I brought it in at all. It made me question my own sanity and feel even more worthless. I felt like I should be one of the psychos. I felt like I should be locked up. And I felt like the world was going to stop.
Because for one night, I wanted to be able to do something a little bad without getting a consequence for it. FOR ONE NIGHT I wanted to be like everyone else and just not care, and just have fun. BUT every time I do that, something goes wrong. And unfailingly, it happened again.
And so there my phone is, with texts from 3 years ago, with all my numbers, with important reminders, with my alarm clock, sitting in the middle of the woods somewhere being trampled by crazy people.
But it is a phone.

We dropped everyone off at the school and then Ben proceeded to drive me home. I told him how useless I felt. He thought it was just about the phone and said "Alex. Ask anyone in the group tonight what the one thing was that made the entire night. They will say it was you." That is when tears started pouring. It wasn't about the phone though. It was about the fact that every decision I make gets me into trouble. Every word I breath has such an enormous impact that it comes back to smack me in the side of the face when I least expect it. I mess up. I mess everything up. He says: "Everyone else messes up. You mess up with your whole heart." More tears. He knows exactly what to say to me. We had this conversation sitting in my driveway. I don't know how long we were sitting there, but I do know it was one of the best times of my life. We talked about what happened last year with me and him. We talked about college. We talked about parents and therapy and lies and truths. We talked about true success. He said "You already have aspects about you that are so much more valuable than anything anyone could ever acquire." He gave me every reason in the world to love myself. He obviously didn't fix everything, but he also didn't feel that he had to. At times he didn't have to say anything. Just hug me. We both knew there wasn't anything for him to do or say, except understand, and he did. He didn't try to make excuses for me, he didn't try to tell me to change what I am doing, he didn't try to alter the situation, he didn't say anything just to make me feel better. He just held me, held me together while I fell apart. Like Emily said today: "I just want to curl up and cry and be held by someone who will tell me that everything will be alright." I would have stayed in that moment forever: in that throbbing pain, in that gentle comfort. There is so much to cry about. So much pain my life and billions times more pain in the world. I cried for everything and then some.

Despite everything that is wrong, I found one person who sees the world the way I do, and who sees me the way I see myself, and who is willing and able to help.

If I could have one hope, it would be that I could hold on to that feeling, remember where my heart is tonight, and allow that to feed me whatever strength I need for all that lies ahead.

This song just happened to play on the way into Nightmare.

"And do you ever feel like you're alone?
And do you ever wish you'd be unknown?
I could say that I have..
I could say that I have..
And do you ever feel things here aren't right?
And do you ever feel the time slip by?
I can say that I have..
And I can say that I have..

And do you ever lay awake at night?
And do you ever tell yourself 'don't try'?
Don't try to let yourself down
Don't try to let yourself down
And do you ever see yourself in love?
And do you ever take a chance, my love?
Because you know that I will..
Because you know that I will..

So hear this please
And watch as your heart speeds up endlessly
And look for the stars as the sun goes down
Each breath that you take has a thunderous sound
Everything, everything's magic
Just sit back and hold on, but hold on tight
Prepare for the best and the fastest ride
And reach out your hand, and i'll make you mine
Everything, everything's magic
Everything, everything's magic"

inherent difficulties?

i feel like all my energy has been put to use in vein.

nothing produces an amazing result...just enough to get by.

i work my ass off on an essay, get a 4 outta 10.
i try so hard to eat healthy during the week, but binge so bad on the weekend.
i compromise and sacrifice and feel very little in return.
i want to be good enough for him, but drugs will always be better.
i spend a year getting over it, but still get tinges of the same pain i felt initially (at least it is not constant)
i open my mind to all ideas, all people and everything, yet people still pinpoint me as the opinionated, close minded, control freak.
i will say what i told Alicia: honestly, my self worth right now is...really teetering. i am so sick of not being good enough that i have just about given up on trying anymore.
i want to be good enough for something or someone.

at least i can admit i am looking for attention. i want someone ELSE to see me the way i do, instead of me seeing myself the way others do. i like myself. but not after people tear me down into nothing...

Senior Night Soccer.

Thanks JV and Varsity for the awesome posters.

Thanks JV for the candy and flowers.

Thanks CC for the awesome warmup CD.

Thanks Kelsey and Summer and CC and the rest of the JV team for a great season.

Thanks Brad for always warming me up and getting me pumped.

Thanks Cramer for never giving up on me.

And thanks Ash and Annie and Sarah and Ben and James and Becca and Nathan and Mom and Dad and everyone else who was there for me and the team tonight.

~~

Everything was fine.
We should have won for our last game, but a tie was alright, especially with the way we finished the game.
Walking onto the field with my parents was such a proud moment.
Exchanging flowers, holding their hands; it was priceless.
Walking off the field for the last time though...was heartbreaking. Needless to say, I cried.
I was sad for the end. I am sad that I always saw the end being different.
I am sad that my expectations were not completely fulfilled on JV and my hopes for time on Varsity were never taken into consideration by the one person who could make them a reality.
I should have been playing a half or at least 5-10 minutes on Varsity
I should have been up there in the first place.
Like my mom said: "it is unforgivable what Brown did."
I agree.
Winning isn't everything.
The sport is not about being the best every year.
And this year, they weren't the best.
So what was one game to them? One toss up that wouldn't have made much a difference anyway?
I deserved my chance tonight.
I have deserved it all season.
Brown made a bad call this year.
No, I am NOT saying I could do better than Krista or Marika. They are both amazing.
But guess what, Marika still has 2 WHOLE ENTIRE SEASONS to play on Varsity and she has already had one and a half by her sophomore year.
I on the other hand, didn't have one single minute on Varsity by Senior year.
Yea, I am fuckin' heartbroken...
I am sick of selfish people and their ways of ignoring everyone who doesn't fit into their ideal.

Should I ask for a playoff game?
Will I regret it forever if I don't?
I am so sick of soccer now that it seems too late to try.
But for the long term...maybe it is something I have to do.
I donno.
Part of me is depressed.
Part is relieved.

I am exhausted from last night.
I am excited for tomorrow.
But I am sick of people letting me down.
Somebody please renew my faith in humans or even just themselves.

?

So to explain to you how i feel right now, lemme just explain my game today. probably one of the biggest games of my whole high school soccer career. or should have been...

I was so not ready for the annihilation i knew was impending for tonight. But i was even less ready for the other battles i had to fight tonight. Arrived at the game, started gearing up, realized my shoes weren't there. Went to call my mom, remembered my phone was dead because the charger wasnt plugged in last night (i had unplugged it trying to test the stringup lights for my halloween party) so instead of charging all night, it was using up battery. so then i asked kels for a phone which she gave me but i kept dialing the wrong number. i finally got it right but no one picked up. called 3 more times. no answer. FUCK. no shoes? wear my converse? no way... "LUCKILY" one of the twins on varsity was trying to separate herself from her sister who had given her a black eye the night before and decided to chill with JV and not go eat with varsity. she lent me her perfectly fitting shoes. when my dad got there he called mom to see if she could get them, but she had actually left them at the school. this was after they had called me to the office once already for the senior night thing, and i didn't get the second memo, apparently. alright, but then, i got very little warm up in...and didn't feel prepared in the least for the game. i couldn't save anything my own team had to dish out...i wasn't ready.

but the game started and we were on fire! they didn't even get on our half for the first 20 minutes. and when they finally beat past the defense, i was all over the ball every time. perfect hands, perfect slides, perfect positioning, perfect dives, perfect kicks. it was awesome. probably one of the best halves i have ever played. i took a foot/ball to the chest which knocked the wind outta me, and a driven ball to the face which took me out and gave me a bloody nose, but i never let down. shut out, last two minutes of the first half, WE COULD ACTUALLY BEAT THEM. hold em out for two more minutes guys! corner on us. shirt pass. no one stepped. nice shot, high corner, get a finger on it, but not enough. half ended 0-1. but it was a great half.

pep talk. it looked like brown was gonna say something good to me. he didn't. he never does. cept maybe like...twice in my entire life. everyone else thought i did great and was just happy i was ok. i was too, but i wanted to shutout this second half and let the forwards do the rest.

second half. i stood out there in the goal watching he 40 minutes on the clock. 120 more minutes of high school soccer EVER and then it is over for me. i want this to be the best game against issaquah. i want this to be how i am remembered. i want Brown to eat his words and his decision to not put me on varsity after he had promised otherwise and when i KNOW i deserved to be up there for my senior year. i wanted to prove it to all of you and all of them that I AM WORTH SOMETHING. but worth is a funny fuckin thing...is worth made in a game of soccer? no, probably not. but in a lifetime of try and fail...i think worth is pretty much established at 'pretty fuckin low'. so, did i finish the way i wanted? did i do it? the clock started to move. one second at at time. and the 3rd to last 40 minutes of highschool soccer began and ended right there.

the second half...game was....lower half of any game i have ever played. my kicks were all wrong, my hands couldn't get a grip, i couldn't remember people's names, i couldn't say anything worthwhile and i donno...i just don't know what happened to me. my mind was not there. it was there, but it was slow. blame it on being kicked? blame it on the defense? no...something was seriously wrong with me. i siked myself out or something...it was all wrong. i saw a ball coming, a good driven shot and all i could think is "i can't catch this ball. brown doesn't think i can. i can't" and i didn't. i don't even remember if it was a goal or not, but i knew i couldn't catch it, and i didn't. it happened again and again. it is like...he was controlling me. trying to convince himself that he had put me on JV for a reason. and it was like my body was telling me that i was never good enough for varsity and this is why. no my defense wasn't doing their job completely...but i should have been ready...and i wasn't.

last 15 minutes. i wanted the humiliation to be over. i wanted to be done trying to be good enough. i wanted to be done with high school soccer and brown and stupid freshman bitches and the other crowd that would mock my mistakes. and it was half over: 8 minutes left, in no time at all. and...the last 7 minutes...i didn't even want to try. i wanted everyone to see that all over their disbelief in me had finally broken me. it got through, so i finally believed i was worth nothing and that i wasn't good enough. and that Brown had made the right choice about me.



and it isn't just soccer.
i try to be my best at everything and it isn't fuckin good enough for you fucking people
you always want more from me. you always want something i cant fucking give you.
WHEN IS IT MY TURN?
I have met like 5 people who care more or try harder than i do on anything and everything,
So yea, i am worth it. more that what i get, that is.
but all i have to show for it is a transcript that is less than what it should be,
another year of way too much work,
no letter in soccer,
and like 2 people who would do the good for me that i do for everyone else.

i am sick of the bullshit ways you all try to show me that you care.
i don't feel it.
it doesn't penetrate all the fucking walls and stress and work and negativity that surround me.
and maybe that is just my fault.
i don't even care if it is or not.

i hate standards.
i hate high school.
i want to say i hate people.
i just hate that people don't get it.
i hate that everyone is so caught up in themselves to actually try to make a fucking difference in the world or in someone else's life. that lack of consideration is selfish and that kind of behavior ISN'T what life is about.
it is about fuckin taking a blow to the head for someone else for a change and hoping that someone would do the same for you when you need it.

Serj the Spider.

On my window.
He only has 7 legs.
The others were lost in battle.
James wants to pet him.
"Put it outside, please."
He is getting the fuck outta Cleavland.
It is safe outside.
Goodbye Serj.
Have fun at life.
No more losing legs. :S
Okay? Ok.
Peace brotha.
Bye bye.

i'm freakin out mann

what should i be for halloween?
who should i dress up for on rocky horror?

SHIT SON

you know what lyric i think is really sweet but i don't even know why...
"i watch you spin around in your highest heals, you are the best one of the best ones."

oh yea dashboard.
i donno, cause it is like...he is like watching her thinking how amazing she is...and yea.

if you haven't noticed, i am pretty out of it and super glad we didn't have school today. last night i was like "i wish we would have a power outage so there was no school." but ya know, vandalism works too. actually that was a pretty pathetic thing to do, but...i am not complaining. i think people are just dumb for shit like that. but i mean, if it was graffiti then at least it is art...but it wouldnt get us out of school. cutting wires on the buses. original? yes. intelligent? perhaps. but still...that is a lot of bus wires to replace...and a lot of work for a whole lot of people. pretty bitchy thing to do. i guess someone really didn't want to turn something in today. HA
or we could look on a different side of it and maybe they were trying to protect someone, somehow. haha. my mind is F.U.C.K.E.D.

people are fucked..

Joy Luck Club...that book is amazing.
my mind is everywhere.
and i haven't written here for a while.
but yea...

soccer in 30.
come home.
study spanish.
study meteorology in case the test is still tomorrow.
eat.
maybe write. maybe talk to people.
SLEEP. early.
the more sleep i can get this week, the better this weekend is going to be.

senior soccer night.
freaknight.
halloween party.
rocky horror.
woot.

Meow.

"A hero is more than a person, a hero is a belief. A belief that, against impossible odds, the world can be saved—and that the world is still worth saving. Heroes inspire that belief in us. They renew our faith and give us that most precious of all gifts—hope. The world needs heroes. That's why, when a true hero arrives, the world will honor him."


gahhhhh. HALO 3.

People who give up.

.
.
.

Start Over.

Build Build Build
my shattered shell.
Build up again.
Protect me
from this hell.

Quote of the Month. October.

Theme: Teamwork.

"In the right formation, the lifting power of many wings can achieve twice the distance of any one bird flying alone."

This ties into that Hereos quote I was talking about. I don't know what to think about interaction. Obviously it is necessary for life. But what kind and how much? I don't have the slightest clue.

All I know is there are teams that work well and teams that don't. The difference is in the respect. If everyone in the team respects everyone else, then it will be a success as a whole at whatever task they are working toward. If there is inequality however, generally nothing productive will get done because people will be caught up in personal affairs.

Just observation. And I really just needed to type some unstructured thoughts after crankin out that essay.

Nyg is here tomorrow. Nyg and I make a good team. :)

Heroes.

yea, that show Heroes has really started to get me thinking.

Mohinder: "For all his bluster, it is the sad province of Man that he cannot choose his triumph. He can only choose how he will stand when the call of destiny comes. Hoping that he'll have the courage to answer."

pinpoints 'heroism' And what it means to be human - to have duty. so, if you see that connection, then really, it is true...we all have the POWER to be a hero. Some simply lack the will.

~~
the writer is brilliant. all of Mohinder's voice-overs during the show are what keep me hooked.
love it. so i am gonna use some of them to explain how i feel...and why i do what i do.

"Linderman: There comes a time when a man has to ask himself whether he wants a life of happiness or a life of meaning.
Nathan: I'd like to have both.
Linderman: Can't be done. Two very different paths. To be truly happy, a man must live absolutely in the present, no thought of what's gone before and no thought of what lies ahead. But a life with meaning, a man is condemned to wallow in the past and obsess about the future."
i am starting to believe this is true. i almost certain Nygil would agree. It makes sense. I am happy when i am doing something just for the sake of doing it (which, yes, has some meaning, but not deep meaning). and when i begin to think deep thoughts, that is when

"We dream of hope. We dream of change. Of fire, of love, of death. And then it happens. The dream becomes real. And the answer to this quest, this need to solve life's mysteries finally shows itself. Like the glowing light of a new dawn. So much struggle for meaning, for purpose. And in the end, we find it only in each other. Our shared experience of the fantastic. And the mundane. The simple human need to find a kindred, to connect. And to know in our hearts... that we are not alone."
i have been wondering about this forever. how much do i need people? because sometimes i can get so sick of them that i can't stand to think of associating with them ever again. but then i remember that i have been in situations where i do need other people. yea, i do believe that humans must rely on eachother for existence, but the question is always 'to what extent?' and so i guess that is more of what i am asking. because i hate coming to that point where i rely on one person so greatly, and then lose them. and then lose myself. i never want that. never again. even in love total reliance shouldn't be a factor. that is what kills it. which brings me to the next quote:

"To survive in this world, we hold close to us those on whom we depend. We trust in them our hopes, our fears... But what happens when trust is lost? Where do we run, when things we believe in vanish before our eyes? When all seems lost, the future unknowable, our very existence in peril... All we can do is run."
a scary thought. and when it happens, it is even scarier. and i don't want that...so how am i supposed to share a connection? THIS is why i say there is pain in love and vice versa. because if we love, then we fear loss. no, it shouldn't consume our love, but there is an element of fear involved.


"Where does it come from, this quest? This need to solve life's mysteries, when the simplest of questions can never be answered. Why are we here? What is the soul? Why do we dream? Perhaps we'd be better off not looking at all. Not doubting, not yearning. That's not human nature. Not the human heart. That is not why we are here."
This one, i don't know about. Yea, of course we are never going to find a definitive meaning of life... but thinking about it is an important part of life. We aren't here to do nothing... and that is something everyone needs to figure out but something that would never be figured out without such questioning of purpose and meaning. Maybe we are alive just to be alive And to help others survive. so we live. and in the meantime, we can still wonder.

~~~~~~~
yea, that is about all I have in me right now.
onto homework.

"A future where the revalations run amok."

"Each of us must be broken down by life so that we know how to build ourselves up."
i wrote that on the first of this month.

then the next day i wrote this:
"Falling asleep alone is no good anymore.

I hate them. I love them.
I love this. I hate this.

I want to accept 'this' because 'this' is real, but i want to vanish within 'that' because 'that' will never be real."
(ahh yes, escapism.)

and i wrote this today:
" 'so much hate for the ones we love.' But I don't know what to do with people anymore. Perhaps it is that i don't do anything. But 'not doing anything' ...that is the evil that i have been fighting. lack of faith, lack of hope, lack of inspiration or drive - i despise it. I want to give hope. but then again, i am so sick of giving endless hope to everyone, and then watching it all go to waste. and then letting them turn around and take my hope away - and walk all over me. Hero? What is a hero? Is it a sacrament? A symbolic sacrifice? A selfless person? Or someone with power and the will to use that power for the good of man? If that is so, then we all could be heroes. Some of us just refuse to use their power for goodwill."

and yea...i found this quote:
"Heroes in history seem to us poetic because they are there. But if we should tell the simple truth of some of our neighbors, it would sound like poetry."

~~

anyway,
about love. hate. fear.
they are all connected, and can't survive without the other. there is nothing you can say to really argue against that.

Fear.

I am afraid that if I open up a little and show you the depths of my soul, I will open up too much and get criticized or be too honest or get hurt or hurt someone else.

But what have I just done? That is a beginning, an opening into my mind and my heart, and I don't think I can stop now.

I am afraid that I was wrong: that the hardest part isn't over, that in-fact it is yet to come.

I am afraid that I will my best and it won't be enough.

I am afraid that I will be too brave, and take too much upon myself, and not be open to help.

I am afraid of what you see in me, and more importantly, what you don't.

I am afraid that what you tell me, is not how you really feel.

I am afraid to make a mistake because then I really begin to wonder there is something wrong with me and the way I think.

STOP.
ok, i can't do it this way...i am roundabouting everything i feel because I am afraid of who will be reading.
I just don't know if I have courage to write exactly how I feel anymore.
Every time I am honest, people get angry at me.
I AM AFRAID FOR ALL OF YOU TO KNOW HOW I FEEL.
I AM AFRAID TO TELL YOU WHAT IS REALLY ON MY MIND.
I AM AFRAID THAT IF I SAY IT ALOUD, SUDDENLY IT WILL BE TOO REAL TO HANDLE.
Yes, for YOU to handle.
and THIS is what human condition has come to, people!
FUCKIN LOOK AROUND!
FUCKIN LOOK WHAT WE DO TO EACHOTHER.
Breaking eachother, breaking ourselves into NOTHING!
And when something needs to be said, the person who should say it, is afraid of what they will lose if they don't. And that is me, because of you.

I have chemical imbalances in my brain, AND I got a concussion yesterday and I am STILL thinking more clearly than about half the people I have associated with in the past few days.

Yea, I will probably write specifics when I calm down a bit. Currently, the lightning storm in my brain is telling me to knock it the fuck off...

could rush under.... FUCK, i cant hide it.

shirlena knows.

inhibition zero, right?


but what if that fucks everyone else over?

GAAAA AD DAMN

I LOVE LIFE!
even when it is painful and frustrating.

:)

ok well between

getting kicked in the head and probably obtaining a minor concussion
having a 101 temp last night and a throat swelled up like a walnut
and getting chased by security guards (ok, i admit it, that was fun)
breaking one of my best friends hearts
watching my mom go through so much health shit and seeing her depressed as all hell
being completely and utterly confused about men
being completely and utterly confused about mankind
trying to control/change my eating habits (and dealing with the repercussions of that)
being completely humiliated by mr rupert and mr brown
and trying not to freak out about college aps, scholarship essays and SATS
not understanding half my assignments
forgetting to do half my assignments
trying to make a decision about drivers ed
attempting to plan me and caitlins 18th b-day so both of us have the best one ever
getting ready for the halloween party

i am just a little stressed,
but i am good.
i promise i am good.
i am so much better than last year.
SO much better.

This is living.

ok well between

getting kicked in the head and probably obtaining a minor concussion
having a 101 temp last night and a throat swelled up like a walnut
and getting chased by security guards (ok, i admit it, that was fun)
breaking one of my best friends hearts
watching my mom go through so much health shit and seeing her depressed as all hell
being completely and utterly confused about men
being completely and utterly confused about mankind
trying to control/change my eating habits (and dealing with the repercussions of that)
being completely humiliated by mr rupert and mr brown
and trying not to freak out about college aps, scholarship essays and SATS
not understanding half my assignments
forgetting to do half my assignments
trying to make a decision about drivers ed
attempting to plan me and caitlins 18th b-day so both of us have the best one ever
getting ready for the halloween party

i am just a little stressed,
but i am good.
i promise i am good.
i am so much better than last year.
SO much better.

Quote of the Month. September.

Theme: Change.

"In the midst of change we find seed for the future."

Yea, and change is so constant I hardly know what anything is changing from. I don't know what to expect anymore. I guess I never did. I guess I never should. All we can do is prepare ourselves so we are ready for anything. Which is what change does to us, it tones us, it readies us.

ahh yes, change.

$2

Tonight has been freaking awesome. We are having a fucking awesome video game party at Scott's house.
I FINALLY got to play Halo 3. It took me WAY too long. But I am officially IN LOVE!
Anyway, people better not tell me the ending cause I am not going to play the game from start to finish until I get an Xbox 360 in November.
Tonight we also have all three Playstations, and a Wii and 4 TV's. We gots Guitar Hero and this is my first experience with that too. I must say, it is a difficult yet enjoyable/addicting game.
Earlier, we had a dance party like old times, and we made a ton of Macaroni and then a batch of brownies.
It has been a while since I have had an evening to enjoy like this.
My eyes hurt from watching screens and I feel like such a pig for eating all that junk (though I made sure none had trans fat in them). I resisted drinking mountain dew and eating top ramen, so that is a start on my problems with self control when it comes to eating.

I do want to say this about Halo. It is really hard to play without Tony. He really guided me through the first two (following the storyline/helping me get better/navigating) and playing the third without his battle cries and explanations feels somewhat wrong. However, it is a brilliant game and the way the story is coming together with the first two is absolutely magnificent.

The was a breathtaking hail/thunder/lightning storm today. I stood in it. Let it all hit me. And it kinda hurt, but it was beautiful.

Yea, my mind hurts, my eyes hurt and while I have quite a but to say, I don't think I am in the state of mind.

PS. We officially have new Facake.

PSS. I played a pretty damn good soccer game against Issaquah last night. We lost 5-1, but I know I played a great game.

Sleep Talk.

That is a bold statement. A compliment too, and I will take it. But do not mistake me for something I am not. I am still a child at heart, and while i may be ahead of my years in maturity, I am still only of 17 years and have emotions/thoughts thusly. Do not constantly expect too much more of me.
Furthermore, I am what I am and nothing more. And I am human. Just human. "I'm not a stone, I'm just a man." And therefore, I like to remember that each simple stone upon which I tread, sweat and spit will not be destroyed as easy as I. Disease, illness, age and predators threaten me; the rock lasts through the ages. When my body has rotted and my soul has moved on, those stones that had lined my path will remain, silently smiling in their place for years to come.

A C R O S S T H E U N I V E R S E

Besides being mesmerized by the photographic/cinematographic effects,
and being hypnotized by the skillful recreation of the times,
and being fascinated by the symbolic representation of the songs,
here is what I got from it:
Find something to fight for.
Find someone to love.
There is always something.
There is always someone.

Look at the world, let it inspire you, and when you feel it (or maybe even before) activate yourself within it.
Simply letting love or pain pass you by is not really living. You have to feel it. You have to react. ("Living is easy with eyes closed.")

And then I loved what it had to say about music. Music is a connective force of love and emotion and truth.
JoJo says, "Music's the only thing that makes sense anymore; play it loud enough, it keeps the demons at bay."
However, the movie also suggested that if you run away from your problems they will follow you; but if you face all obstacles, you will overcome them.

Live without rules (except the ones you make for yourself).
Love without fear (and without exception).
And never let anyone tell you that trying isn't worth it.

Well now, we call this the act of being an oppressive adult.

I HATE ADULTS.

I am sick of them telling us to be on time when they are always running late, telling us to push ourselves harder when they laze around and don't do shit, riding our asses after we make one mistake but blowing a freakin gasket if we point out a flaw in them, not trusting us as individuals even if we (as individuals) have never given them a reason not to trust us, fucking up our world and leaving us to pay for it and clean up after them, realizing all the problems in the world and completely leaving it to us to sort them out, calling us ignorant and unable to know love and unable to know truth and unable to know pain, only being the example for us when it is convenient for them, telling us we don't eat right when they are the ones who have the power to remove the bad stuff from our food and when they are the ones who gave it to us in the first place, blaming us for all the problems at home, getting frusterated when we rebel even though they were worse when they were kids, and finally, holding us to standards they couldn't dream of fulfilling themselves.

FUCK!

Taco.

i help people
i eat right
i sleep almost enough
i am surrounded by amazing people
i am honest
i have an amazing mind and it doesn't go to waste with drugs or alcohol ect.



basically there is no reason for me to feel like such shit
but i do.


yea i can feel a difference since i changed my diet
i feel stronger, more patient, and less sad...
but i am getting stomach sick more
and when i do get down, i get way down.

i think it is because so many people are holding me down.
what i mean is this:
half the people i talk to are encouraging,
but the other half are completely discouraging.
and i don't get that kind of shit...
whenever i find something that i can do to make a difference in myself or in the world, somebody always takes my idea and smashes it to pieces.
and i try to argue that it will work, but i don't even convince myself half the time.

ok so when i get discouraged one of two things happen:
1) i just want to give up completely and be like everyone else, and not give a shit and just have fun and enjoy my life while i am alive instead of trying to prolong it or improve it or anything...just accept that it sucks and go get crunk. ha...
2) get pumped to prove everyone wrong and come up with another amazing idea (or make a great save) and then remind myself that my life is gonna end up being extraordinary and none of this trifling BS from all you fuckers* really matters.
(*when i say all you fuckers, it is not directed at you...i just...yaknow, wanted to use it for effect)

right. so anyway.




tonight the testosterone overwhelms the estrogen in this house.
5-3. it has been a while.

Inspiration.

So, "Follow a Leader."
Simple enough.
Write an essay about why I want to spend a day job shadowing a Biologist who works at the Seattle Aquarium and how education can help me achieve my goals.
Honestly, sounds perfect for me.
If I win, I get to spend a day with her Biologist Marla Tulio, I earn a $1000 savings bond for college, have lunch with the other winners and leaders, and earn $5000 for Mount Si.
I could totally win.
I have been trying to brainstorm an opening for this damn essay. Starting is always the hardest part.
I want it to stand out because I know I deserve this and I know it is just the ticket to get me going on what I want to do.

Any ideas?
Things I should include:
I am into scuba diving
I want to live in Antarctica to do research
I cherish all living things
I want to preserve life
I love learning
I love hands-on learning
I was already looking at the Seattle Aquarium for a job to earn money for college
I am not exactly certain about my career and education path
I want to travel
I am a hard worker
I have excellent focus

If you think of something good that I can include please let me know. This is something I really want to do. I will keep you posted on how the essay is progressing.
Wish me luck.

Goodnight.

There's a sadness that seems to befall me en el noche.
I am so always so tired.
I feel like I want to hug everything.

God, this is random, I am sorry.
I wish I had something of meaning to say.

I am doing all the right things for myself:
Eating right
trying to get to bed earlier
letting go (finally)
relaxing when I can
working hard when I am supposed to
and i should feel amazing
and i do
but not right now
right now i feel like crying
curling up with timber and Dag and crying
so i think i will.

but first i am gonna go give my mom a kiss goodnight.

goodnight.

Bright Idea.

This is a reminder for me so I can tell you about my idea when I get a chance to write it all out.

Poem.

"Everything was given
And nothing was received
My heart was in the open
It’s now broken and deceived
All I’d ever wanted
I could see inside of you
You were supposed to be my Everything
Now that dreams broken too
So when I think about Us
And the memories set in
I realize how in love I was
And how happy we’d have been
Because I would’ve given everything
To make sure you felt divine
That you felt happy and you felt special
Just knowing you were mine
I’d remind you of your beauties
As we lay side by side
But it all seems so pathetic now
The fact that I actually tried
Tried to pick up the pieces to something
Never meant to be
Your happiness lies elsewhere
Elsewhere…from me
So now I suppose that fantasy,
Will never end up true
But before I go I say this...
Things seemed more beautiful with you."

It is interesting when you feel that way so strongly about someone...

"-For You my Angel
-By Tony"

...and then they write a poem consisting of those same feelings, but it is for someone else.



~~
Tony says:
waddya think?
*alex* GO REIGN! 7-0. says:
it was amazing. it m..
*alex* GO REIGN! 7-0. says:
it made me cry
Tony says:
ya thats wat it did to the girl i wrote it for too, i felt kinda bad
*alex* GO REIGN! 7-0. says:
who did you write it for?
Tony says:
this girl Brianna
Tony says:
and all of that is true, it actually happened
Tony says:
but now she thinks my depression is all her fault, it is actually but i dont want her feel like that
*alex* GO REIGN! 7-0. says:
...
*alex* GO REIGN! 7-0. says:
why arent you with her?
Tony says:
...becuz...i wasnt good enuf i guess. she went bak to the guy she left for me. now im broken-hearted and upset cuz he doesnt treat her right, and she deserves better. maybe not me but better than him
Tony says:
but i would give anything to have her in my arms again...never cried that hard
*alex* GO REIGN! 7-0. says:
you know...that is exactly how i felt....
Tony says:
when she left i mean
Tony says:
kind of a downer
*alex* GO REIGN! 7-0. says:
"and she deserves better. maybe not me but better than him" that is what i told everyone
*alex* GO REIGN! 7-0. says:
about you...
Tony says:
actually, not kinda, it is
Tony says:
ya, its tough
*alex* GO REIGN! 7-0. says:
yea...
Tony says:
im falling apart
*alex* GO REIGN! 7-0. says:
....i wish i knew what to say. all i know...it will pass.
Tony says:
but...i just...don't know why she doesnt want me, she was so...perfect and every moment with i cherished, and she knew that, that id go to the ends of the earth for her, and if im not good enuf for her, i dont want to be good enuf for anyone
Tony says:
with her*
*alex* GO REIGN! 7-0. says:
tony... i would have died for you. i couldnt understand what was so wrong with me that you had to leave. i cherished all of you and you knew that. i would have gone to hell and back for you. and everyone told me "you will find someone better" and i replied "I don't want anyone better or worse, i want tony. i love tony and i always will. no matter what."
*alex* GO REIGN! 7-0. says:
so...i mean...sometimes there are things we cant understand... i still dont understant
*alex* GO REIGN! 7-0. says:
d
*alex* GO REIGN! 7-0. says:
i never will.
Tony says:
im sorry, i cant offer you wat you want.
*alex* GO REIGN! 7-0. says:
i know...exactly
*alex* GO REIGN! 7-0. says:
neither can shee
Tony says:
yes she can, and as long as theres hope, im gonna grasp it
*alex* GO REIGN! 7-0. says:
i am just saying, you have been in her position, and you should understand where she is coming from.
Tony says:
no ive been in your position
*alex* GO REIGN! 7-0. says:
IF i wanted you back, LIKE i did, you would reject. just like her...
Tony says:
im still going to try
*alex* GO REIGN! 7-0. says:
good boy. you should always follow your heart.
Tony says:
i cant live knowing shes w/ that creep
Tony says:
this is for her as much as it is for me
*alex* GO REIGN! 7-0. says:
but then... if you try and nothing happens, you may just end up pushing her away, like what happened with you. the more i tried to warn you about jackie, the more you hated me
*alex* GO REIGN! 7-0. says:
even if it wasnt neccisarily for my own gain
Tony says:
if that what she needs to be happy, i would go away, just disappear from her world, if thats what she wants...it would be the hardest thing in the world to do, but i would...for her
*alex* GO REIGN! 7-0. says:
good.
*alex* GO REIGN! 7-0. says:
maybe it is. . . it was for you.
*alex* GO REIGN! 7-0. says:
and that was the hardest thing i have EVER had to do.
Tony says:
well id rather hear what she has to say about that
*alex* GO REIGN! 7-0. says:
thats a good idea.
Tony says:
...ya
Tony says:
i guess
*alex* GO REIGN! 7-0. says:
...itis
Tony says:
she saved me
*alex* GO REIGN! 7-0. says:
...
Tony says:
made me feel...worth something, i cant let that go
Tony says:
sorry im rambling, thats how i get when i talk about her
Tony says:
but ur probly not interested. ill let u go
*alex* GO REIGN! 7-0. says:
i am interested.
*alex* GO REIGN! 7-0. says:
always.
Tony says:
thx
*alex* GO REIGN! 7-0. says:
if you ever need/want to talk, if you ever need homework help or food or company or shelter. anything. you know my number. and for everything else...all i can offer is my best wishes.
Tony says:
thank you.
Tony says:
I think i am going to go to bed.
*alex* GO REIGN! 7-0. says:
ok. sleep well. I love you. good night.
~~

so ya know, i was sitting in Spanish today watching him. knowing i still love him and always will, but also thinking very clearly "I think I am finally over him." And maybe I am. I am tear-struck right now. Not necessarily by sadness but, I donno. All i know is...wow. I can't believe that just happened.

It is 11:11. Make a wish...

Who Knew?

It's one of those days when you wake up and you have no one to confide in. No one who would understand at least. And no one who hasn't already heard it a million times.
("I'll keep you locked me in my head, until we meet again.")

Fuck I hate dreaming about him. But having to be within a 3 foot proximity from him for an hour everyday for which he engulfs all my thoughts, makes not having dreams that include him quite a difficult goal. Don't you think?
("But I'll keep the memories, you visit me in my sleep.")

When is homecoming?
There are two people I would ask, but both are almost definite "no's."
I'm not going alone again. And I'm not going with someone I don't want to go with. I refuse.


I am loving senior year so far. But I didn't expect all the immediate twists and turns of plot that would completely change the circumstances of everything. But then again, senior year is still High school and of course the most unexpected things are going to happen.

Not Again.

So I just got Nygil's letter that he wrote on the train. It was perfect. And it kinda contradicts what I felt all day today. Last night, after hanging up...I nearly fell apart. But I wrote instead of crying and it came out like this:

"You know, by now I should know better. You rise up, you fall down. That is that.

But really, I thought it would be a long time before I felt this again - the stinging pain with each breath. And then just trying to let it all go so the pain feels so unnecessary that is just vanishes. But that NEVER happens. You can't just drop something and leave it at that. There's always more. Always thoughts that convince me otherwise and remind me that whatever I am trying to let go, means way too much.

Honestly, how can I let this get to me? Is it because I know it is true, or because I believe that it is not?

The real truth is that nothing is solid. It is all just matter mushed together for whatever reason. I mean, I am no physicist, but I know that solids aren't really as solid as people let on. So really, how reliable is anything that is considered solid? It should be at all. But then again, we don't fall through the earth - though it would be only a matter of a couple billion years. Which is what I am trying to get at: Anything we consider stable, physical or not, is only so for a period of time. How long or short is all dependent.

Let me tell you, the lifespan of nonphysical solids is a hell of a lot shorter than that of physical solids. It takes billions of years for molecules and shit to open up naturally (which is all based off Mr. Cleggs psychotic ramblings so it could be false but it is working for my metaphore so shut the fuck up) but it takes but one wrong word and nonphysical solids (our "rocks", our stability) give out, and leave us in disappointment.

'Follow your instincts.' Well recently I have been having trouble deciphering instinct from paranoia in this fucked up mind of mine so maybe I should just forget it all. No more going by feel? Feelings just don't seem strong enough to fight the physical solids, and the worst of human nature is what seems to be getting the better of us anyway.

But ah. The world right now is too big of a place to be alone. And alone seems eminent. It is like I am about to lose 2 of the people who actually understand me. I will. And that is based on more than feelings..."

Don't worry. Half of it doesn't make sense to me either. And there is a lot of it I am questioning right now. If I really wanted to get my message across I should have been straightforward in this. But maybe I don't want people to know what I am talking about. Because I don't people to change or give up anything for me.



P.S. JV lost our game tonight against Skyline. 0-3. It was a tough game.

P.S.S. I eat WAY too much junk.

The Beginning of the End.

(and yes Nyg, I know there are many new beginnings ahead.)
If you don't know what I am talking about, the subject at hand would be the first day of my senior year in High School - a day I have been looking forward to for a very long time, but that I never actually believed would come.
Now, really, I don't particularly want to type out all the crazy occurrences of this day, but so much of it made so much sense and fit right in to bring these past 5 years of my life full circle.

First of all, I would like to note that I have began every single school year of my life single. Yea, it doesn't seem that weird to the common onlooker, but the coincidence is actually quite magnificent. You see, having had quite a few boyfriends, and not to mention an onagain-offagain relationship that lasted the better part of 3 years, it is logical that at one point it would straddle the summer and the school year. NOPE. Tony and I only spent one full summer together and ended up cutting it off the night before Sophomore year began. And you all know last year's story. But anyway, the point is, I am glad I could continue the tradition. :P
Okay, now onto what happened today.

Prologue.
Before school, mom dropped James, Becca and me off at school. We approached the building that was bursting at the seems with about 300 more students than capacity suggests, and about 5.8 tons more excitement and anxiety than normally recommended by district management. However, education is understandingly much more important than safety standards so we carried on our way. We skipped gloriously into the hallway and I exclaimed "WE ARE SENIORS!" sporting my red pleather pants lengthy black jacket. James replied with a slightly disturbed/"you-are-psychotic" look and followed me through the confusion and chaos. I went to my locker (the same one from last year I might add) and stuffed in my soccer bag and kicked the door shut with a hint of "take that Mr. Bottom Locker, i love you but i am a senior and I am the boss now." Then we walked around the entire school seeking out the Facakes who were not to be found until after we scoured the dungeon, visited Mr. Dillon and got attacked with a bearhug and some quick questions from Tony. Upon finding the group we exchanged a few exclamations about clothes and some exasperated hugs as though it had been at least 2 months since we had seen eachother. Anyway, that is how it all started. And so...the bell rang.

Chapter 1. Fotografia Uno.
So, so-called "G-Bow" is an interesting teacher and a uh...fascinating character. The class seems like it should be useful in mastering the ways of the lens. I am prepared to do what it takes to become a ninja of the photographic arts. So beware. And there are a couple pretty cool cats in the class, so I won't be alone.

Chapter 2. AP Comparative British Literature.
Complimented by its mouthful of a name, this class is going to be one of the most memorable, the most difficult, and the most exciting. I walked into the classroom and it felt like a huge reunion of people from Honors English 10 including the magnificent Mrs. McCormick. She has been the most hilarious teacher in the history of my teachers since before she was born. Doesn't make sense, does it? Well, if you don't understand then you just won't understand. It was a blast. Old jokes. New jokes. Old friends. New friends. I am terrified and excited, apprehensive and confident. I hope I make it.

Chapter 3. Back to Band.
Oh Rupert. Somethings always has got to make every year in band an extremely different experience. But I guess it is good because...you know...change makes the world go round (and also makes Alex not want to shoot herself out of boredom). But his new grading system might just kill me this year. Or, I guess it will just push me harder than before, and make me better than before and...thats how it goes. But almost completely new percussion with John and I at the head. And we've got Meagan which is the highlight of band this year because everyone loves Meagan and I think it will really brighten up many of those dull, long days.

Chapter 4. Spanish 3. Wait, nope, Lunch then Spanish 3.
I guess we have first lunch for Spanish 3. I hate first lunch. But wait! The Facakes aren't in their classroom either, maybe they have first lunch too! Don't get your hopes up, just go look for people you know. Wait...is that?! What really!? The Facakes have this lunch!?? THEY DO! That made my day. That made my entire day. And I know it will help this year. It will help a lot. Wish Tara was there too, that would make it complete, but still...I am so happy I can see them during the day. And guess who else has my lunch? Tony. He told us a slightly disturbing story about himself and his friends which was pretty awkward, but still nice all the same. Then the bell rang, I headed to Spanish 3, with some optimism, but with a bit of a heavy heart because I was still being pulled toward 4th period meteorology with the Facakes. Meagan (being an underclassmen) couldn't take that class either so she was headed to Japanese 1. I walked her there and it was funny because I was pretending to baby her and be her mom. Good fun. But then something amazing happened. Emily (Heidi's best friend, the one that I love) was waiting outside the Spanish room. She has my class. It was then that I decided my schedule was perfect and that I want to keep it this way. So of course, something had to come along to make me second-guess my decision. That occurred to me when Tony walked through the door which was about 3 seconds before Sra. Scott put up a seating chart which conveniently place me and tony almost directly next to eachother. I gave him a hug and questioned him actually having this class which he was also pretty confused about considering he and Sra's spat last year. He asked me to help him during the year but when I said I would he acted like he wanted me to beg to help him. Ha conceited ass. But he should be, cause I almost did. We talked so much the first part of class he got yelled out within like 3 minutes of sitting down. So to win back Sra's heart, he spoke a few fluent sentences in Spanish and asked her if she knew this one song. She exclaimed that she did and that she loved it and he pulled out the lyrics and handed them to me. It was a love song. I only could translate a few lines roughly and he said "yea, i really want to learn it cause it's such a beautiful song and so romantic." I was rolling my eyes at irony or whatever the hell was going on there. Later, we were filling out the info sheets about ourselves and he was thinking out loud saying "I don't know what the best thing that ever happened to me was." I hesitated for a second and then confidently said "Me." He turned around, looked at me exasperated and said "wow, you're really sticking your neck out there. out there on the chopping block." I replied "It's not on the chopping block, cause it's pretty close to true." He smiled, shrugged and faced the front. Then when he asked what his goal should be I said "how about actually graduating high school." he said "nah...how about drumming." to which the people around us became excited and said "good idea." The girl next to me, who had a class with him last year, could not make the connection. why were we teasing eachother so much and how did we seemed to know everything about eachother, but also nothing at all. Which is true. A year is a huge gap to fill, especially during high school. That class ended after...forever and I went over to explain just who that was to Emily.

Chapter 5. Meteorology.
This is probably to be one of the most interesting and useful classes I take this year. There are a few people in there I know from school...but just school. Except Amanda. But Amanda and I use to be really close friends in 8th grade and haven't talked much since mid 9th grade. I sat by her during the psychotic ramblings of Knowles and all the while took peeks back at Jake Tweeten who was winking at me and mouthing obscenities constantly. Haha, actually he just wanted to ask me to be his partner but all the same. I am slightly concerned about the workload but still, it won't compare to last year by any stretch (er....I hope).

Chapter 6. time for Health.
Yup. I am gonna learn how to eat right in this class. And I will finally learn the REAL effects of drugs and such. I am excited. And it is a good group of people. Even in the sexes and all different types of people. Ross of Recluse is in there and Kayli Krein too. But, there had to be something to put all the perfection into perspective. Marika's in there too. Not looking forward to facing her everyday. Especially if we lose a game. :S

Chapter 7. Questionable.
Talked to Tony after school. Invited him to my games which he was reluctant to accept until Eian piped up and said he would be on the sidelines cheering. Also talked to Jackie which was interesting but mainly pointless and uneventful. You know there is only one thing I think of when I look at her. I try not to, but what can you do? But I obviously didn't prolong that convo and went to change for JV practice. That went well. Fairly easy and fun. I am excited for the game tomorrow.

Chapter 8. Relax?
Yea right! Waited around the school for my mom (who was apparently already there). Went home for an hour and a half and then headed out to Reign practice. Pretty easygoing too. But amazing. I made team captain. The team voted me and Kelsey as captains and I am likin' it.

Chapter 9. Dinner and a shitload of paperwork.
So dinner was amazing. We all sat down and it was absolutely fabulous laughing and joking and sharing stories with the family. It was sad without Nathan but it was neat having James there. Then I organized stuff, did most of my homework and gave my mom all this stuff to sign. I still got an assignment (practice AP test) and I am so close to just not doing it. GRR.

Chapter 10. Extra.
I gotta get a gift for my secret buddy tomorrow morning which means we need to leave early. So I have to get clothes ready for tomorrow, do my assignment and call Nyg to finish talking to him. I also need to find my star or I will be sad (ask me about it sometime). Blech. The new headphones James gave me are like a freakin miracle. I love them dearly.

Epilogue.
Off to finish up the day... or I guess begin a new one in about 3 minutes. :S
Overall...today was a good day.
I pray for a good deal of the rest of these nine months to be as happy as today.
But you know...i might miss being sad. Yea, you heard me...I think i might be done. Finally ready to be really truly well.

"You had handcuffs?!?!?!"

So, I don't know who reads this anymore, and I kinda started to wonder after 2 people who I never expected to read it, made a comment about it. So... if you do read, you should tell me so. But if you don't I guess it doesn't matter. Forget it. Onto my blog for tonight.

~~

Hey.
I listened to that voice for hours.
I love it.
and looky here. I can't write tonight.
My thoughts are everywhere.
And going nowhere.


funk. actually,
what i meant was
fuck.
but ok.

well...i guess we talked about what i was going to write about.
so.
yea.
i guess i don't have much to say.



i always wondered why i kept "my ace" up by my computer where i spend much of my time.
now i dont.
i know why i kept it there.

meh.
im done writing.

For All Time.

Nygil left this morning. And I know it has only been three days since my last blog, but much has changed. Or, at least, much has been recognized.

So lets start at the part I remember. You see, I wrote this whole blog out in my head perfectly this morning, but of course it was too brilliant to stay in there and decided to leave. So...with my original words gone, I think I will just do my best to say what is on my mind right now and hopefully it comes around to what I really wanted to say.

Basically...when I told Nygil that he could come up here it was because of the system. I had faith in it despite the event of what I viewed as a system failure. I knew it would help him and i wanted to help him and I needed to help him. That is what I do for him and what he does for me, unconditionally. I would also like to add that at the time of inviting him, I knew I loved him. I knew that with my whole heart. But there was something I didn't know...or at least...i didn't remember: I am completely in love with him. I'm blasting Transatlanticism, with tears welling up in my eyes, and I now I do know it. I don't think I knew it before, but I definitely know it now.

The week was wonderful - hearing him play songs for me and about me and about Ang and about nothing and everything, walking the dogs with him, having him pick me up off the floor when I was laughing so hard I couldn't breath, watching dumb videos and looking at dumb pictures for hours, and standing in the crowd at the Shins concerts holding his hand and leaning back on him listening to the music from the movie that defines our relationship. Last night was refreshing and eyeopening and made everything seem worthwhile and I didn't expect this to be that kind of trip. I didn't know I would learn so much more about him just by staring into his eyes for hours on end and asking him questions that normal people don't dare ask normal people. And in learning all these new things, I never expected to fall even more in love. And I never expected that little boy I sat next to in 4th grade to become such a caring, and amazing and funny, and depthful person. And I really never thought someone would see in me all the things I always wished I could see in myself and all the things I wished someone else would find in me.

"I need you so much closer"
"Is this close enough"
"No"
"Good, Lets never get close enough"

And then this...our song.
Tears on my cheek now. Pouring.
I am not sad. I am happy. There is nothing more beautiful than this feeling.

"I roll the window down and then begin to breathe in
the darkest country road and the strong scent of evergreen
from the passenger seat as you are driving me home.
then looking upwards I strain my eyes and try
to tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites
from the passenger seat as you are driving me home.
'Do they collide?' I ask and you smile.
with my feet on the dash the world doesn't matter.
when you feel embarrassed then I'll be your pride
when you need directions then I'll be the guide
for all time. for all time."

He is on the train now. On the way back to LaPine. A place which could probably be considered home for both he and I, but this was home for him too. And it even felt more like home to me when he was here.

And wow, this morning, it was epic. Nyg had gotten on the train after an extended hug in which he assured me that we would see each other soon and that he loved me and that everything was going to be alright. He looked so amazing and perfect with his backpack and gray sweatshirt and blue jeans and that hat he loves so much. It felt so right burying my face in that sweatshirt. I felt so safe. And anyway, he was on the train and James, my mom and I were standing on the platform waving goodbye and waiting for the train to pull away. But I couldn't just stand there. I kept thinking of Love Actually where the kid goes and runs after the girl who is getting on the plane and he runs through security and everything in the movie falls into place just so he can catch up with her to say 'goodbye' or 'I love you' or kiss her, or even just see her. And I thought of almost getting stuck on the train when saying goodbye to Caitlin and Danne a few years ago. But I didn't care. So i waited for the opportune moment and handed my mom my purse and then ran onto the train, and pushed passed people and swung up the stairs, saw him by the window and jumped onto the seat and into his arms and kissed him goodbye twice or three times quickly and said goodbye again and turned and headed back down to the platform where I watched as the train rolled slowly away.

I could write about this all day and still have more to say...more lyrics to post, more funny stories about he and i, and other such things. But I won't. I did say what I had wanted to and that is enough for now.

:)

let's try something else.

ok...
where to begin?

college sat soccer nygil james facakes highschool chickflicks halo3 tony kayla jackie money lackthereof bumbershoot springcleaninginfall photography zombies dreams nightmares jasmine danne caitlin kody

im sure there is more.
let's start at the beginning.

college: i NEED TO START APPLYING!! SOMEONE SMACK ME INTO IT

sat: I NEED TO STUDY!! FUUUUCK

schedule: spanish with sra scott and no classes with my friends, or meteorology with the facakes and spanish with wickswat (dumb teacher) and with ben???? advice?!?!?

soccer: it depressing the fuck outta me cause i know i am good enough for all of it, but i am not focusing and i am not playing my best by any stretch of the imagination...i just wanna prove to everyone that I AM GOOD ENOUGH

nygil: what was i thinking? i cant handle this right now?!!? i am already so fucking hardened to everyone elses feelings. what made me think this would be any different? i mean, the system!? the system that just failed!??! HA. i am dumb. i thought i was in a state to help him, and i did help him...i got him up here, i got him happy for at least 5 minutes and now what?! i cant keep this up. i cant keep doing it. i am already so frusterated with people who give up. i cant handle it. it is driving me insane. i just wish he could try to be normal for a bit...just try and see what happens. he always has to be secluded. he always has to make everything so dramatic. i cant do this. i cant. i have done everthing i can now. it is up to him now. i dont know what to do. i wanna enjoy the rest of my summer, i want him to enjoy it. and i want him to just TRY taking my advice for a change.

james: well, i dont know what to say. i cant say i didnt see part of this coming. i knew it was possible...everyone did, i just refused to believe it WOULD happen. i mean...it was all...just fun and games, but the other night was different. i felt it. he wasnt the same, i wasnt the same. it was more real...it was less pretend. but i cant do it. i cant. i cant explain this here, now, like this. we will talk. dont jump cause we will work this out.

facakes: i feel so disconnected. i feel like i must have done something so horribly wrong and everyone wants to pretend it is over, but they wont let it be. it is just a feeling. i am pretty sure that is all it is. thats how it usually is for me...

highschool: i can already tell this year is gonna be quick. and i already know it is gonna be too quick. as long as the last few years have seemed, highschool seems like it just started - like there is so much more. but one more year. i wanna make it count. i want to make this year the best year ever. i want homecoming and prom to be perfect. i want to have a blast during the soccer season and blow everyone out of the water. i donno...it is huge...but it is so small.

chickflicks: been watching a lot lately. it is so good to cry. i need it. i love it.

halo3: not gonna have enough money or time. and...for some reason...i dont really care.

tony: funny thing. the other day i found out stuff about him that would normally kill me. but it only hurt for like a second. and that is it. but then i watched the notebook and that reminded me of everything. and he was one of the reasons i cried so much in that movie tonight. but whatever. i mean, it is a movie. and that is it. but watching my mom watching that movie was also a reason i cried a lot. it sucked. i think it rebroke her heart. i dont think she needs anything else to think about. i donno how much she thinks about it anyway, but it also bothers me to think that it still makes her upset. i dont want this tony thing to break my heart forever...i am so afraid of that.

kayla: my new friend. and i really like her.

jackie: on the verge of forgiving her. but i dont mean forgiving her for what she did or who she is, but just forgiving her for being human. and finally forgiving myself for being the same. but i donno. and you really dont know. and you will probably never know. but she is right, we probably have a lot more in common than i let on...

money: sucks

lackthereof: sucks even more.

bumbershoot: is gonna be fun no matter what. i will fuck you up if you try to ruin it for me. or i will just ignore you. this is one thing i am going to do and enjoy for myself so that i can feel better too.

springcleaninginfall: i started when i was really alone and upset. there is so much left to go through and clean out, but i have to really be in the right state of mind to get rid of stuff or i will end up regretting it or i wont get rid of anything at all.

photography: i am slightly discouraged about that right now. james wants to help me, but i feel so lame trying to figure it out. it is something i do for fun, and it relieves my stress. but maybe i will never be good enough at it to do what i want to with it. but then again, that is only if i say i wont. cause if i say i wont, then of course i wont.

seniorportraits: i am so worried mine wont turn out good. not cause of james or anything, but just because i think they will be wrong for me...or i donno. i have no idea why that is bothering me, but it is.

zombies: are soulless. and they eat people. they are scary. if you joke about them enough to actually scare me, i probably wont be too happy with you. cause when i say they are one of my worst fears, i am really not joking around.

dreams: come every night. every time i take a nap. they are so intriguing and thought provoking. but sometimes quite disturbing. i cant describe this here.

nightmares: see above.

jasmine: it was amazing to see you. i missed you.

danne: i want to see you. that would be amazing too.

caitlin: i would just about die to see you right now.

kody: i really miss you too. but ...i donno. yea. i miss you.

life: i like life. actually, i love life. even when everything sucks, i love life. :D

Quote of the Month. August.

Theme: Persistence.

"The race does not always go to the swift, but often those who keep on running."

This quote reminds me of my mom. She never gives up.
I hope it is true for me as well.

Always.

"We All Have A Weakness
But Some Of Ours Are Easier To Identify. Look Me In The Eye
And Ask For Forgiveness;
We'll Make A Pact To Never Speak That Word Again
Yes You Are My Friend.
We All Have Something That Digs At Us,
At Least We Dig Each Other
So When Weakness Turns My Ego Up
I Know You'll Count On The Me From Yesterday
If I Turn Into Another
Dig Me Up From Under What Is Covering
The Better Part Of Me
Sing This Song
Remind Me That We'll Always Have Each Other
When Everything Else Is Gone.
We All Have A Sickness
That Cleverly Attaches And Multiplies
No Matter How Hard We Try.
We All Have Something That Digs At Us,
At Least We Dig Each Other
So When Sickness Turns My Ego Up
I Know You'll Act As A Clever Medicine.
If I Turn Into Another
Dig Me Up From Under What Is Covering
The Better Part Of Me.
Sing This Song!
Remind Me That We'll Always Have Each Other
When Everything Else Is Gone.
Oh Each Other....
When Everything
Else Is Gone."

i will sing this to you until you are better.
("I would rather write her a song, because songs don't wait to resolve, and because songs mean so much to her. Stories wait for endings, but songs are brave things bold enough to sing when all they know is darkness. These words, like most words, will be written next to midnight, between hurricane and harbor, as both claim to save her." )

Nygil. Fuck everything else: you always have me, i always have you. it may not seem like much at some points, but it is. it always is. i love you.

Songs and Stars and Someone.

mac: how is alex?

alex: not so good today. we just won our tournement, but i am just feeling really crappy right now.

mac: im sorry to hear that. can i say anything like, alex is wonderful!, or alex is amazing!, to cheer you up?

alex: maybe, if you give me reasons. :P

mac: oh, why are you down in the first place?

alex: because people suck.

mac: i can understand that. but dont let people get you down, because its the person that matters, that person is you. you shouldnt let people get you down because they all have one thing in common, at one time or another, they will let you down.

alex: yea, thats one thing i do know. but the people i bend over backwards for are the ones who let me down the most. i guess thats a flaw on my part for trusting people who have already given me reason not to trust them.

mac: flaws are what highlight this world.nothing is perfect and we should embrace the imperfections because they concrete reality into place.


hate to be so pessimistic.
but that is what i am.
i try to hide it,
in photography,
and sports,
but it isn't like i have those to rely on either.

i was listening to this song by Akon where he takes the blame for the problems of his friends, family and all the world. i thought it was slightly insincere but still...i know what he is saying...

then i turned on the song Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own by U2. "Tough, you think you've got the stuff, you're telling me and anyone you're hard enough." Which is what i do, if you know me at all. "You don't have to put up a fight, you don't have to always be right." But if i take the blame or give up then no one trusts me anymore. "Lemme take some of the punches for you tonight." So uh, where are people like this in real life? Where's my wonder-wall? Huh? Oh yea, Oregon. ha...


this is getting old.
people say you can choose to be happy?
ha.
i chose that hmm, 5 years ago...
look at me.
i mean, if you know me, you know i am so broken.
i am a broken person.
LOOK AT ME: I am not whole.
Pieces of my soul are strewn across the tracks I leave (watch your step, they are sharp).
Its kinda like whenever I'm busy trying to hold myself together, someone broadsides me, and BAM...there it all goes again.
At least last year I had a reason...

Remember that post I wrote entitiled "Got Love?"?
Well yea...TWLOHA is all based on a girl not so much different from me, or any other person who feels broken and alone.

"I would rather write her a song, because songs don't wait to resolve, and because songs mean so much to her. Stories wait for endings, but songs are brave things bold enough to sing when all they know is darkness. These words, like most words, will be written next to midnight, between hurricane and harbor, as both claim to save her."

So now I put my faith in songs...

"Tell them to look up. Tell them to remember the stars. The stars are always there but we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell them to remember hope. We have hope."

...And stars...

"Lights will guide you home. And ignite your bones. And I will try to fix you."

...And eventually, maybe, someone who can put me back together.

Summer Slows.

so everything is going great.
me and my friends arent fighting anymore.
my soccer team is about to win this tournament.
i am the starting keeper for JV so i will get to play every game, all game, this year for school soccer and rec.
the end of summer is just as exciting as the beginning was, and i am having a blast.
I got to go to PAX free last night.
I get to go to Bumbershoot next weekend and see Panic! and tons of other bands.
Im gonna be a senior!!!!

and this is alllll great.
but i feel like crap.
i thought senior year was going to be easy, but everything so far that has to do with school has been stressful as fuck.
like changing my classes. i had to get sra scott if i wanna learn any spanish this year (which is like my most useful class for my future) but in order to get her i either had to drop band, or switch out of meteorology with brian and james and alicia...it fuckin breaks my heart. i would finally be able to have a class with everyone and i had to switch it...and no one else is gonna switch into my class because they would have to leave everyone else.
and then i have to register for the SAT which is one hoop i am almost considering not jumping through. i mean, i have to, but i REALLY dont want to....to the point that i might not.
and then...i am taking this AP Brit Lit class which will be with Ben and Jackie and people like that. and it will be fun...but...fuck. i donno if i am ready to write anymore essays.
and...i really dont wanna take CI this semester because then i have to present my EFOLIO this semester and...i am not ready and i wont be due to soccer and all that shit. fuck!! but if i take it second semester than like...something else is gonna get in the way.
i donno.
i wanna look great in my senior picture...but great is something that i dont look.
i wanna be remembered, and no one notices me...not Brown, not colleges, not the administrators, not the kids.
fuck.
fuck.
everything would be better if i could have Sra. Scotts class AND be in meteorology and astronomy with the facakes. so...do i trade what i want in the long run, with what i want right now? no, i never have. i cant even go drink or anything in order to be with the person i love. what DO i want in the long run? to know that i had the best senior year of my life even if i had to give up learning the things that i want, or...get Spanish down really well, and...not get the class i have been waiting for all summer. and do i want to be with the one i love? or the one that treats me right? and why?
WHY?

haha. and at that...i go play soccer.
wish me luck.

Got Love?

So, if any of my frequent readers have noticed a theme lately, it would be that i am constantly using other peoples writings as topics for my blogs. This post is no different. The "theme" does not come from lack of subject matter or inspiration, and it does not come from wanting to use the ideas of others as my own. what it comes from is where i am at in life. like my blog last night suggests, i am feeling quite lost, so recently i have been searching all over the internet, in magazines, on tv, experiences, anywhere, for my calling. i want to see what other people find that give their lives meaning because i believe the more people we observe and interact with on a deeper level, the better chance we have at shaping ourselves to be who we want to be. so when i quote something, i am attempting to find truth in myself and the world through words that i can share with you. this post is another one of those.

a good while ago on myspace, i found this group called "Impact Awards." It basically awards people with the honor of being the most successful organization/person for the month based on whatever theme: international development, environmentalism, health and safety, social justice, community building, and poverty relief. Being a part of this group and receiving updates and checking out new foundations to help make the world a better place has really helped me in the past year. basically, for a long while, i felt very alone in caring about such things. my friends would make jokes or i would get ridiculed for being a "hippie"/"treehugger." i felt like the world i was trying to save, was against me. but i found this site filled with people who care about the world and those who inhabit it. i frequent it now and when i need a spot of inspiration, i never cease to be amazed. my main focus was environmentalism and human rights for a long time but once in a while i would check out an organization for a different cause. so i went there today, and this months cause is Community Building. i decided to check out each of the three nominees and vote. the one i found most intriguing was "To Write Love on Her Arms." It is considered a bridge to get people out of depression and into a place where they can be helped. Now, before you freak out and remind me that i refused to take anti-depressants and never went to a rehab center for my depression, the organization is not all about simply taking kids and trying to "fix them" with medication or isolation. it is about getting them to a point where they don't feel alone and don't feel alienated as if there was something that made them unfit for society. I read one of the blogs and i wanted to share it with everyone:

"My friend Byron says that life is hard for most people, most of the time. He is a very smart guy.
I suppose that hope suggests a need, and it suggests that something has not yet ended. To have hope is to believe for change, to believe for a better ending. I have been thinking a lot about hope because I have been reminded lately that I am a person in need of hope.

I believe that pain is universal, which is to say that all of us can relate to pain. We break and don't fix easy. We break in different ways, at different times, for different reasons. We lose things. We get stuck in moments. We are slow to forgive, slow to change, slow to ask for help. We are slow to truly love people.

It is easy to talk about love. Easy to write blogs about it, easy to talk about it on stages. Love, in that setting, is an idea, and ideas make for great conversations - inspiring even. It is another thing entirely to love people. I suppose it's because ideas are more comfortable than actions. It is a much more challenging gig to be a person who loves other people.

Love is a choice. It is an action. It looks like this:
'Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.'

It is tempting to write these things as if I always have it all together, as if I am a person without need, a person who cares about pain but is not affected by it. The truth is that I am a person in need, a broken person, a person who fails, often. I have a lot to learn. I have a long way to go.

The last few weeks have been some of the hardest of my life. It has little to do with the tour. The shows, the bands, the crowds, the conversations – all of that is great. The issues are personal and I suppose I'm writing just to say that we're the same, and to share some things I'm learning.

Pain seems to scream. It asks for all of our attention. Pain suggests that we are only broken, that we are only all the things in us that ache. Certainly, we are responsible for our actions but 'forgiveness' is a beautiful word. 'Change' is a beautiful possibility. 'Hope' and 'rescue' are important words.

We are a people in need. We need so many different things: Friendship, love, conversation, medicine, encouragement, wisdom, hope. Whatever is broken, whatever your needs are, it's okay to be honest about those things. It's beyond okay, it is essential. Your heart, your life, your mind, these things are golden, priceless. Please be careful with them. And your friends, your family, the people you love, they are golden too. Please be careful with them. Consider your words and actions, the way they affect people.

We've been given dreams and gifts and talents and ideas, and there are people in our lives that we are called to love. Pain would like nothing more than to destroy all of it.

Each of us will have to fight for the things we call important - the things we hope for, the people we love. It will be a different sort of fight, one of patience and prayers, actions and choices and change. It will be a surgery of sorts, and we will need other people to go with us. It may sound difficult but there is much to be hopeful for.

I am learning to love other people, and I am learning to love myself.

Peace to you.
jamie

PS: Here is one of my favorite quotes. Someone I love shared this with me about a year ago. The words are Bono's:

'The hardest thing to do is to stick together. Mates, family, marriage, business, bands. It's like resisting gravity. It's like King Canute sitting in his chair trying to talk back the tide... but you can and we have and we will, turn the waves around. The alternative is too predictable... You rid the room of argument. You empty your life of the people you need the most.' "

This really gave me chills. it is what i have been working toward in within myself for years. it is what i have been trying to believe and act upon: that we are all in this together.

regardless of whether or not you believe it, i have experienced suffering. and looking back on all of it, i wouldn't be half the person i am if i didn't endure all of that. but there were so many times i felt hopeless and i just wished somebody would rescue me. and there are millions of people who feel that way right now.

i want to get this message out:
"We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home."
i want to live the way this message says we can.

its funny what this reminds me of. i went to that heavy metal Studio Seven concert the other night expecting to be miserable and surrounded by people who all believed they were better than everyone else. but i saw all these people together, all these people who have suffered, and i saw the way they learned to deal with it. they bonded through this music. and it is so amazing what a mosh pit can do. it is seen as such a violent thing but if you watch carefully, no one stays down too long because everyone around them stops to pick them up. and the crowd surfers have to trust all these perfect strangers to keep them from falling headfirst into the concrete - and rarely is someone dropped. it is like this mutual respect and understanding that circulates through the audience and the band. the communal energy is amazing. that concert is what all TWLOHA reminds me of. and yea, it is so called "heavy/death metal" and it sounds dark and evil, but if you look past the hardcore music, the undecipherable words and actually look at the people who make/enjoy this music, it all makes sense, and it all seems like some sort of miracle.

i don't know if any of you will understand what i am getting at, but i feel better now. i feel hopeful, for you and for me.

Nevermind.

I am not quite done writing.
god i love this:
"a task ahead of you is never as great as the power behind you"
but i like this better:
"Life only demands from you the strength that you possess."

i am trying to inspire myself.
i am trying to keep my head up.
i am trying to believe that this year will be nothing like last year, except that i will grow.
i am trying not to wish for an easy life.
i am trying to wish for the strength to get through whatever is ahead.
i am trying to accept that i am not alone.
i am trying to put everyone before myself, so long as i at least keep myself intact.
i am trying so hard. and soon it will have to be harder.
i am trying. and i don't even know why.

i will try to explain what i mean by quoting The Girl Next Door:
"Moral fiber. So, what is moral fiber? It's funny, I used to think it was always telling the truth, doing good deeds, basically being a fucking boy scout. Now I think moral fiber's about finding that one thing you really care about. That one special thing that means more to you than anything else in the world. And when you find her, you fight for her. You risk it all, you put her in front of everything, your life, all of it. And maybe the stuff you do to help her isn't so clean. You know what? It doesn't matter. Because in your heart you know, that the juice is worth the squeeze. That's what moral fiber's all about."

i am looking for that thing to believe in, and fight for, and put before everything else.
for many people, it just comes to them.
some people don't even look.
and others never find it.
regardless, most people come to the end of their lives feeling somewhat successful.
but my own standard for success is so tainted, unusual and unorthodox that i am gonna have to do something truly amazing to feel even an ounce of success.
and why do i look so hard? why does this quote get to me so bad?
cause (and i know i have said it a million times) i already had that one thing that i wanted to give up everything for. and i am SO afraid i will never have that again. because it is truly the most wonderful (and horrible) thing to experience.
and i kinda feel like i fucked up.
i kinda feel like i lost my chance.

but yea
society would say: hey, kid at least you tried.
jackson would say: fuck that. you lost. your fault.
who knows. . . either may be right.

ha. i kinda got off track.
anyway...does it surprise anyone that i feel lost?
as if that is news.
i had this good feeling about myself for a while.
i guess i just need to listen to Jess's quote from the other blog.
I mean yea, suffering (confusion, uncertainty) is almost as beautiful a thing as joy.

now i am gonna go watch that chick flick. it is gonna be...
...
...
.

Satanic Jazz Music

"I have an endless appreciation for being alive, regardless of the mood or magnitude of an experience. My only complaint is that the joy and heartbreak can't possibly last long enough."

Jess wrote that. I like it.

I think i am gonna curl up with myself and watch a chick flick tonight, and cry, alone.
Unless the facakes decide to show up, in which case i believe we are watching Batman Begins.

yea...i drove yesterday. after mom and i went out to lunch at subway. it did fairly well, but i figure i am gonna turn 18 soon and i should get some hours in and shit like that so i can actually pass my test.

soccer tryouts have been interesting. i ran the two miles today. i got 16:28 for my time. it was alright. hard, but i enjoyed listening to my music during the run and i was proud of myself. so, i guess i won't evaluate too much of what is gonna happen with the results of tryouts, and what could happen but obviously Marika (or w/e) is on varsity. starting. then...there is this new girl, senior, and she is basically the same skill level as me as far as i can tell, though i have only seen her play for like 15 minutes without much action on goal. anyway, it could go Marika and one of us senior goalies on varsity and the other on JV. or Marika on varsity and both senior keepers on JV in which case, one or both of us would swing mid-season. anyway, i am not sure i am up for the commitment of varsity, but if i made it i would totally do it. but if this senior Krista girl makes varsity with Marika, i can basically say goodbye to even getting a game in. which absolutely destroys me. so when i realized all of this, i tried to step up my game during tryouts today. and it worked great, until i got worn out. funny thing is, nobody was watching when i was playing amazingly, yet when i had exhausted myself, all the coaches saw me screw up. but i mean, it wasn't really me screwing up. the defense was nowhere to be seen and wouldn't listen to me anyway. it was 1 v 1 all the time on me and so i tried the tactics for that which i learned at camp...and failed miserably. i would be so happy if me and Krista both made JV. i mean, that would be logical anyway since she plays on the field too. We could both get equal time in goal and Marika could dominate on varsity until they decided to swing one of us. that way, nobody from c-team would have to swing to JV to cover the swinger to varsity. if they put one of us seniors on varsity then we would be benched more than we would probably like AND there wouldn't be anyone skilled enough to cover the JV position, so whoever was put on JV could never swing...which is unfair for senior year, especially after they promised me a varsity spot for my senior year when i was a sophomore. i dont even need a varsity spot, i just want a chance in a couple of those games. but i heard Brown talking and it sounds like he is looking into taking one of us up...but he did ask a player from Krista's team for advice, which is completely unfair and biased, and he doesn't even watch me when i play. if this all works out, i will be so much less stressed and so happy. i want to enjoy my senior year. just this one time, i want this to work out so that I get my big break. i have been waiting for 3 years. i just want a chance...i am sick of things getting in my way of that. two more days of tryouts. we will see what happens. so much for not evaluating.

and i got a tournement this weekend after all this working out and stress and i donno if i can handle it. i am already sore enough and this week is far from over. god, tomorrow is only Wednesday....

and fuck. i doubt Oregon is gonna happen. but right about now i would do so much just to see caitlin and sadie and danne and caitlin and nygil. i NEED to get outta here again before school starts. but...fuck...i don't think it is gonna happen.

there is so much i wanna say. i am just done writing for now.

now you go inspire love...

half the times you make me feel like the happiest person on earth.
and the other half, you break my heart.

f
u
c
k
.

i am not upset.
this is not real.

"It's Just Kissing."

ok so. i have some stories/questions/interesting observations for all of you.

let us just let this flow, shall we?

so today i called nygil. it was great to talk to him. and there was no particular reason i called him except that i missed him and i wanted to hear his voice. it was lovely talking to him and kinda interesting as it can be between me and him. but it is usually all laughs and teasing and good fun. (hahahah bondage.) he can always put me in a great mood. (not because of bondage...oh nevermind) anyway, the reason i wanted to write about this is because i wanted you all to know that i love him. he is one of my best friends and life would be nothing like it is without him. so yea, that is that.

ok, so then me and lindsey had a conversation about kissing which is what inspired this title. she said kissing makes you healthier and i said "then i must be really healthy, i have kissed over 20 people" and she wondered why i kept track. i just do because i like to. but she thought it kinda made it less meaningful. i donno about that. i mean, it isn't like i keep track because it is some sort of race or anything, but it is nice to remember. forgetting anything is one of the worst things i can imagine you wonder why i take so many pictures? anyway, i digress. and although i have a fairly good memory, i like lists and i like to write things down. so yea, i do know how many people i have kissed. 22. but yea, she said: "it's just kissing." and that made me think...yea, it is just kissing. (if i knew where i was going with this, i would probably eventually get there.) but yea...basically, every time i kiss someone, it does mean something. the question is what does it mean. and for everyone and every time it seems to be different. (still don't know where to take this, so i am gonna drop it.)

oh yea, speaking of kissing, Kody is in OLYMPIA! that is like, where my school is. that is like, ha AN HOUR AND A HALF FROM HERE! (can you tell i am excited?) but yea, the shitty part is i have tryouts and a tournament that completely takeover this entire week! grr. but he is here for a couple of weeks i guess (unless he is completely pulling my leg) and i know it is doubtful that i can go to oregon anyway. and Nygil is going to visit if i don't go to oregon and he might bring Caitlin. and OH THE POSSIBILITIES!!! Danne should come too!! *sigh* i could have all four of them here next week and that would be absolutely magnificent and kinda, a little bit, really awkward. haha. i love it.

yea...sooooooooo there was more but the facakes are on the way over now so i kinda neeeed to wrap this up. but as you can tell i am extremely hyper. (and as you can't tell, i am kinda sad cause i think i hurt my moms feelings, but i cant really help how i am to her anymore. i donno what to do about that. lemme think about it and i will get back to you.)

and there was not much point to this post, i can tell, but that is because i didn't even say what i wanted to.

and i just found out that kody is a lying assssssshole and he isn't even close to Washington. hahahahahaha. what a penis.

yea...so what i wanted to write was, actually what i did write but you wont be able to decifer it the way i want, but yea. at least i kinda wrote about it. yea...fuck. i need to go. i am kinda pissed that this post is soooo random and has made absolutely no points except the fact that i love nygil which i guess is a by far good enough reason to actually publish this.
so yea. i am out.
peace.

Resilience.

Cleaning my room like mad.
I feel like it needs to get done. Now.
Don't ask me why. It is just a feeling.

I only got a year left of having to be here...
Actually, i don't have to do anything.
I could leave right now.
I just wish i would.
The only things holding me here are losing grip quickly.

I am ready.
I have been ready.
To move on.
I have been done with high school since the middle of sophomore year.
Finishing that year was difficult and knowing Junior year was going to be hard, was uninviting.
I was done, ready to leave for college or travel or something.
And it isn't just that I am sick of it, the people, the rules, the bullshit,
it is also that I am beyond it. I don't need it.
I remember in 9th grade, one of my teachers told my parents that I would be out of high school when I was done being a sophomore.
I would have been, except that it is me and I would feel like I'd be missing out on an indispensable experience.
All in all, it came to me being very glad I was forced to endure junior year.
I mean, it gave me strength and depth that i would not otherwise have.
Perhaps, this year will prove to be the same,
but I have doubt.
I look at this year with such awe.
I have waited so long to have a simple year, with just the classes I wanted.
That is what it is going to be.
But further than that, it seems like I am about to go through something that will just be passing the time.
And so I feel like leaving.
I feel like going down to Oregon and spending this year with the people I trust with my life - the ones who understand me because they put a sincere effort into understanding me.
If i went, I would be with my two best friends in the world and Kody. Not to mention, Danne and Jasmine (which would be a blast from the past). And i feel I would have a place.
Not even when the Facakes are happy and intact do I feel loved or held in regard.
But if I don't end up leaving, then there must be something here that life needs me to understand. If I stay, there must be a reason. Mount Si may still have something up its sleeve for me. Some tiny burst of knowledge, a friend, a day that changes my life. Something.
So, I believe that is where my decision lies. I will stay here. I have faith that there is something.
I have suffered through 5 years of depression, hell in school, moving, making and losing friendships and other relationships, parents being gone and everything else that have made this half a decade what it is. And that have made me what I am.
I can take one more.
One more can't hurt me.
I can take it.
For once, I am not gonna give up at the end.
I am gonna go stronger.
You see that? I am working out my kinks.
I am fixing all the things in me that I find flawed.
I listened to your advice - all of you.
I learned how to do that too, ya see?


I figure if nothing else is coming out on its own, I am done writing - I'm not gonna force it.
I feel good about this.
I am ready to face whatever is to come, even if I have to face it alone. Which I don't. There are people by my side. The faithful. The loyal. The helpful.


Hmm. Still, no one has taken me up on my challenge to really get to know me. Caitlin and Nygil (and Jay) are the only ones who have ever done that.

Hypnotize.

"Being honest is no means of survival,
avoid your inner feelings like the plague,
This is what it takes to comply with the images this
structure will accommodate,
But things aren't what they seem when they're partially
hidden behind walls of pretense built for peace of mind.
The barriers between us are forever maintained by our
acceptance of the roles others choose to define.
In a world of competition life's portrayed as a contest
where we're forced to live by making gains at others expense,
But no-one's really gaining when perpetual conflict's the
result of our relationships based on pretense,
We don't need this cultural cosmetic division it upholds
the self-interest on which the system feeds,
A de-conditioned consciousness of mutual respect is the
only way to cure this cosmetic disease."

This passage is something I found on an old friend's myspace. I really liked it.
Whether or not I agree with it is not yet established,
Currently, it is simply food for thought.
Which is why i am here writing a blog about it.

I m obviously at a time in my life where i am...hmm, I like how Matt put it:
"Alex is'ving another bout of "who am I" styled inquisitions with herself, but is seemingly maintaining a straight-faced and good keep up, which says that no matter what she may be wondering about herself, the better of it seems to be winning."
I have to agree that I am questioning where to go from here, and I want to be able to agree that the better side is winning. But I can't even decide which side is better...
Anyway, I digress.

I believe this passage is saying that honesty and acceptance and embracing your inner feelings are all essential to live peacefully and happily. But that society (the system) suppresses us by criticizing our true feelings and honesty and by separating us into categories.

Alas, my words fail me today.
I'm gonna have to go with System of a Down lyrics to back this one up:

"Grieving each others lives
Holding this in mind
That if we fall, we all fall
And we fall alone

The cold insincerity of steel machines
Have consumed our euphoria
Transforming us into muted dreams
Dreaming of the day that

We attack
Attack, attack our fetal servitude
We attack
Attack, attack with pesticide
We attack
All the years of propaganda
We shall attack!

Bombs illustrate what we already know
Candles cry towards the sky
Bracing your plants of a polluted coast
Dreaming of the day that

We attack
Attack, attack our fetal servitude
We attack
Attack, attack with pesticide
We attack
All the years of propaganda
We shall attack!

Grieving each others lives
Holding this in mind
That if we fall, we all fall
And we fall alone

Was the philosophy of displaced minds
The bombing of all homes and villages?
Truth is the only sort we demise
Pleading till the day that

We attack
Attack, attack our fetal servitude
We attack
Attack, attack with pesticide
We attack
All the years of propaganda
We shall attack!

Attack all the homes and villages
Attack all the schools and hospitals
You have attacked all the innocent villages
We shall attack!"

I'm gonna say, the first two stanzas basically sum up the passage in question.
The rest of the song is brilliant as well, though perhaps not relevant.

What are you thinking?
I wanna know.

A Tornado or an Owl.

i have started two blogs so far in the past few hours. i was distracted though and lost interest in both topics i began writing about.


i need to fuckin sleep.
i want company.

when matt left i thought i was headed straight to bed.
i didn't feel well though so i couldn't relax.
and now i am just procrastinating.
I'm not even dreading tomorrow (which is usually why i stay up -- that or if i have something better to do at night than sleep)
its probably more the idea of going to bed alone.
and waking up from my nightly dreams. fuck.

fuck jobs though man. everyone goes to bed early
*cough*james*cough*nyg*cough*

honestly, it JUST came to me that last year is over!
the school year is done and this next year will be nothing like it.
i remember on the last day, i was freakin out asking everyone if it was really over.
i don't think it actually hit my until today.
now i am not so bummed that there is only a month left of summer.
i mean, if i had to go through last year's line up again, someone might as well just sign the certificate of death now.
ha.
but in all seriousness, i am not completely refreshed yet, and i am not ready for all the extre academic stuff that comes with senior year.
i should start thinking about that.
efolio
college
SATS
ACTS
PE wavers
yea, shit like that.
ahh well, the distraction from reality couldn't hurt right about now.
(notice how school is not included in my definition of reality. i mean, by all means, learning is absolutely essential, so don't get me wrong. i just know public education is NOT the end all to knowledge and the stuff i that REALLY matters to me is gonna come from experience in the real world. not some structured form of controlled learning in a building where half the time all we are expected to do is regurgitate facts that have no meaning to us whatsoever. the stuff my mind creates in my dreams and my thoughts somewhat more real and much more sensical to me than high school is. random tangent but moving on...)

~~

hmm...one more thing tonight.
i want someone to strip me. (not like that)
i want them to delve inside my mind
and see me bare, down to the bone.
and try to understand me
and then judge me.
the last time this happened was with Jay.
he wanted to open me up and let me pour my heart and soul into him.
just for the sake of knowing me to my core.
i had known him for a total of 3 hours before he knew me better than many of you.
simply sitting on a train talking to someone who wondered made one of the best nights of this already amazing summer.
but in light of recent events, i realize that people don't get who i am and what i am about.
they may think this is all for show, and if that is the case then those people, or someone (anyone) should look even further, past the layers of my skin (my true self) that i already so openly bear, and even deeper into the places people hardly ever dare to venture into.
knowing another person so well is a scary thing because it actually brings you to understand something most people subconsciously dread to find: that they aren't really alone.
cause when they find that, then maybe they understand life more clearly, which ironically seems to lead to further confusion about life, and also the less recognizable: contentedness with whatever is.

maybe my ramblings have come to make no sense to you.
i wouldn't doubt it for two reasons:
1) it is 4:17 in the morning while i try to express what seems nearly impossible, and
2) people usually don't understand what i have to say because it often leads them away from "truths" they hold so dear.

yup.
what a week.
hope someone is listening.
goodnight.

~~~
i gotta say, this is the song for my mind tonight:

Take what you've got,
Take comfort in that everything you know,
Or seen will soon be a nonexistent dot.
Who'll save the world that claims there is no saving?
An illusion or delusion of grandeur.
Half of what I say is bliss,
The other half is meaningless:
Comefortable lines.
Waiting for the clock to heal us.
Lost and found,
But never touched.
Another beating heart is lost:
Interesting lies.
Waiting for the clock to heal us.
Alone in our rooms,
Miserable,
A tornado or an owl,
Come back and isolate the balance.
Nothing is real;
Your heart on your sleeve,
Just another lie,
Transcend the pride,
Oh the chemicals.
Take your time,
Nothingness is something and
something is nothing.

...

it's 1:30 am.
why am i listening to this song?

i have said it before, i will say it again:
i wish i could put a guitar riff into words,
so you all could here what this means to me.



"Cry alone, I've gone away
No more nights, no more pain
I've gone alone, took all my strength
I've made the change,
I won't see you tonight

Sorrow, sank deep inside my blood
All the ones around me
I cared for and loved

Building up inside of me
A place so dark, so cold, I had to set me free
Don't mourn for me,
You're not the one to place the blame
As bottles call my name I won't see you tonight

Sorrow sank deep inside my blood
All the ones around me
I cared for and most of all I loved
But I can't see myself that way
Please don't forget me or cry while I'm away

Cry alone, I've gone away
No more nights, no more pain
I've gone alone, took all my strength
But I've made the change,
I won't see you tonight

So far away, I'm gone.
Please don't follow me tonight
And while I'm gone everything will be alright

No more breath inside
Essence left my heart tonight
No more breath inside
Essence left my heart tonight"

My faults.

i don't take advice well
(because i don't believe people listen well enough to understand me an therefore give me advice that is irrelevant.)

i sleep with way too many people
(that was a joke)

i have made out with 22 people in my life, many of which were one night stands.
(but i always make sure it is mutual when that is the case)

i like arguing about stupid shit. i worry so much about big things that sometimes it is refreshing to have a go at something ridiculous.
(but i don't see that as really a fault. it is more of a hobby.)
(that was a joke too.)

my consistency is inconsistent.
(which makes sense to me but none of you will understand)

i eat terribly unhealthy foods.
(all the time.)

i am a quitter. at the end of something i have been working at really hard i let down. i don't push harder like some people.
(it is weird but i notice it a lot.)

i am still completely in love with tony.
(is that a fault?)

i am obsessed with hanging out with one group of friends and usually end up neglecting the others.
(i hate that one.)

i find too much symbolism in everything.
(sometimes something means nothing.)

sometimes my best isn't good enough.
(i always do my best...sometimes it just needs to be better.)

i suck at Halo.
(does that count?)

I'm not good a many things. I'm not especially talented at anything.
(i try though, that counts for something.)

I'm changing. There are two very conflicting identities within me.

I like contradiction. When two things make sense but they both contradict each other and there is only room for one right but there are actually two.
(that is just funny to me.)

I am depressed. Clinically anyway. But i have gotten so use to it, it doesn't even phase me anymore.

I can't even stand killing bugs. It breaks my heart to watch anything die.
(life is so precious.)

I sometimes believe I am a martyr.
(That is wrong on so many levels.)

i wrote this at soccer camp:
"alex:
not well spoken
not social
not gorgeous
not talented
not highly intellegent
not girly
some girls have 'it'
i don't"





i know there are more but i need to post this so Nygil can read it.

Rainbow Colors Mix to Grey.

i 100% refuse to admit this is what it has always been.
out loud at least.
cause i told you and everyone else that it was gone.
and it is.


none of you fool me.
oh wait, that's a lie.
i donno what the fuck is going on.
i am feeling foolish and confused.
you got me.
you got me good.


ah well...i write better this way anyway.
and I'm kinda funny.


oh yea...and i decided something.
i don't give a fuck what you think.
enemy (well that one was easy)
best friend (yup you too)
and everyone in between.
if you think I'm a whore, you may be right.
but i could give a fuck less.
so fuck off and stop being so damn judgmental of everyone.
tell me it is a bad thing to say.
i dare you.
making bad decisions is my forte.


can you survive one more year?
doesn't seem likely but...
only if i promise myself to take a long vacation from people when i am done.
in Antarctica.
good. i think i will preorder tickets to take the last whale down for when graduation is over.
or however the fuck you get there.

i know i can survive.
i watched the fireworks tonight. thought of last year.
i was about to die.
i survived.
when i make it this time i just don't think many people will be standing next to me at the end of it all.



"Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out on to Grey Street.
She thinks, 'Hey, how did I come to this?'
I dream myself a thousand times around the world
But I can't get out of this place.
There's an emptiness inside her
And she'll do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears it doesn't listen
There's still a hope in her it might
She says 'I pray oh But they fall on deaf ears,
am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place? '
Oh There's a loneliness inside her
And she'll do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
There's a stranger speaks outside her door
Says 'take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything'
Oh It'd take the work out of courage
But she says 'Please
There's a crazy man that's creeping outside my door,
I live on the corner of Grey Street
and the end of the world.'
Oh there's an emptiness inside her
And she'll do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It's more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her
Using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart"

Overdose (in rainbow colors).

yea, fuck last night. forget it. it was retarded (on both sides).

i decided not to go to the parade today. it was already 10:30 and so i was missing it. and james decided not to go. I'm not gonna watch that damn thing alone AGAIN for the...hmm probably 3rd time. yup. thats right, cause Tony didn't watch it with me 9th grade. and i was walking around looking for him during the parade in 10th grade so i could get Eian some clothes for Ashley's mom's wedding so that Ashley would be happy and Eian wouldn't get crucified. just one more moment i had to suck up the fact that i was walking and talking with the love of my life and the girl he was screwing. we went to his house to get the clothes and i told him about my trip to Mexico and gave him the necklace i had gotten him which he immediately cast upon a chair in his kitchen. watching Jackie play with Lobo...that slayed me. And she just had to act like they were fucking married. "Hey hunny, we need to go looking for jobs sometime soon" i remember was her conversation of choice while i was trying to suck in as much of tony's house as i could before i was thrust out again...never to return. or so i thought. and i had to hug her cause she said "it was nice seeing you can i have a hug?"...oh god...i remember vividly wishing i had a knife so i could stab her. i had to keep my composure. haha, she can act like it wasn't just trying to get to me...but that would be another in a series of what seems like endless lies. Don't ask me how many times I am gonna have to go over these memories, and write them down. Sorry i keep bringing it up, but...i guess i don't want to lose any of it. The times with him were the times when life had the most substance. even if they were bad. don't ask me why. if you don't already know, then maybe you will never know. anyway, all of this isn't why i am going, but it is too late now. it is over. i will hit alpine days later. i have a lot of plans today. lunch with Kristin, find Kyle Plute, hang out with Stuart when he is off work. figure out some shit to do for the fireworks. or just not go...that too. both years i tried to kill myself was at the fireworks anyway. woohoo.

currently reading Nygil's letters. I guess that is another reason i didnt go. when i get his letters everything else becomes insignificant. They are first priority. and btw nyg, i have 12 sets of letters from you. it has been a good year. You started writing in January.

this blog is going to be long. maybe. i have a lot to say. i might not say it all though.

i like these lyrics from the letters:
"Something's got to change - undeniable dilemma.
boredom's not a burden anyone should bear.
constant over stimulation numbs me,
but i would not want you any other way,
just, it's not enough, I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy except,
I don't want it, I just need it,
to bleed, to feel, to know I'm alive"

i think that says much of what i needed to say.
even with pain, i know this is living. and i am happy to be living.
as long as i have a soul.
which i am almost sure i do. :P
it is just kinda...distorted as of late.
gah, i am done writing.
my thoughts are muffled by new music.
my mind is everywhere.
i have stuff to do anyway.

Alpine Days and Revelations.

This weekend is the one weekend that has managed to be fucked up for the past 4 years in a row. Let's recap, shall we?

8th grade: i literally almost killed myself because my all my friends screwed me over. it was delicious.

9th grade: me and Tony were together so things were better but we fought all of Friday night. Saturday was fun. We hung out with his friend Andy and watched the fireworks but at the end of the night he ditched me for Tyler.

10th grade: Had a blast with the Facakes but on Saturday night after the fireworks i almost killed myself again because I was so depressed about Jackie and Tony. Instead i wound up at Tony's house. go figure. He was leaving with her and some other people just as I got there but I hung out with his mom and aunt and it was alright. Then I ended up crashing a party the freshman were throwing. Eventually I got back to Tara's house.

This year has already been screwed up but I'm not going to go into it yet.

I just had to point out that somehow things always get screwed up during this festival.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There are two sides of me.
They are at war.
That is all.

Mexico.

typing up all of what i wrote in my journal on the trip would require a great deal more effort than i am willing to exert. there are a few passages that need to be on here. so here that goes:

Wednesday July 31 - On the plane.
"I can't wait to meet new people. Meet as many people as I can. That would be accomplishment enough for me But not just meet them - know them, change them, allow them to change me. I know i am on this tangent lately about how unreliable people are, but i do love people just as much as i hate them."

Later...
"I know I am meant to live for others. Enjoy my life? yes. but my duty to fulfill is for everyone else. I still believe I could be a martyr. Maybe like Harry Potter: that i won't necessarily die for my cause, but that i would. i would be willing. I don't know my exact cause, but I know that there is one, and that I am getting closer. I don't want to settle. I want to find my way to make the biggest difference I can. I wish I could save everyone from whatever it is they need to be saved. Not for the fame. I am Harry Potter. It had nothing to do with fame or power. Just love. Cause that is really all people need. Love brings all things. Love brings life. And all is full of love. This world can be so disappointing to me. People don't understand. People don't listen. They don't stop and look around to see the love that is kept in all things, all feelings, all actions. And if people saw things that way, we wouldn't have war. War is the result of hate or need. Hate and need are result of the want to protect something that is loved. So here is my downfall. This is where this theory fails to answer the questioning. What do we do with the love for power that some people possess. Are all types of love good? I want it to be my mission to understand this idea better. I don't know what to do or where to start. I don't feel sane. But I do need to do something."

At the resort.
"If i so long to be held, why do I push away the guy who would do anything for me? I guess that is because I am either looking for something completely casual where no one gets hurt in the end, and/or because I am looking for something perfect and I don't see it in him. Which sucks. He's such a great guy. But I can't force myself o feel for him. I too feel as though my bed is a but empty as I lay to rest at night, but unlike him I am unsure as to who could possibly fulfill the emptiness that lays both beside and within me. It seems now as though there is no one. So that is why anyone would do (excluding anyone who actually has wholehearted feelings involved). I guess that is this whole James deal. Anyone with half a mind can see that the "brotherly sisterly" love we show is more than that. I mean, it is blatant flirting whether or not we like it. And yea, I don't mind that, I just don't want to get attached. The last thing I need is another awkward situation like living with your love interest. I mean, honestly, I have considered kissing him, and I almost have. I guess I am afraid of his reaction - or if he were to take it too seriously. I mean yea, James is an absolutely stunning human being, but like I said, I am too instable for anything too stable. ha. I need to figure myself out. Then when I have a grasp of myself (or have realized there will never be such a thing) then maybe I can deal with somewhat of a commitment situation. But it would have to be with someone I am seriously interested in which is down to two.
'You will be somebody's girl and your will keep each other warm, but tonight I'm feeling cold.' -Dashboard."

Later...
"I don't want to die lonely.
I don't want to die unfulfilled.
I don't want to die young.
'I don't wanna be adored
I don't wanna be first in line'
I don't want it.
I don't want to grow old because
I don't want to lose my abilities and
I don't want to lose my memories and
I don't want to be forgotton.
I am scared. So scared."

Friday August 3.
"I wonder if 'Join Me' by HIM was really meaningful to Tony as one of our songs. The implications are incredible. 'We are so young, our lives have just begun, and already we are considering escape from this world. And we've waited for so long for this moment to come. We're so anxious to be together, together in death. Would you die tonight for love? Baby, join me in death. This world is a cruel place and we're here only to lose, so before life tears us apart, let death bless me with you.' I wonder if he would have died. I don't think back then (8th grade) I knew how strong of a connection we had. I mean, I wouldn't have died for him the way the song implies. I thought I would, but I never would have. (hmm...i was pretty morbid: i might have). I would have taken a bullet for him in an instant. I would have died or killed to protect him. I would have done so much for him. But died to be with him? I don't think I understood enough how important love is. Would I die with him now to escape the things in life that keep us apart? No idea. I mean, I still love him with my whole heart. Always will. But I do remember what I told him I deserve someone who would do anything for me. so if you can do that, then you can try to come back to me.' But I also remember questioning if that is right. why don't i sacrifice everything for him? that is what I was asking of him. whatever. right now it doesn't matter. the song just reminded me."

Later...
"I want to laugh. Genuinely. As hard as I can. And I want people to laugh with me."

~~~

There is 12 or 13 pages front and back of stuff I wrote on the trip. A lot of it is just day by day review of our adventuring. What you just read is the important part but if you wanna know about my trip, I have much to say and many pictures to share.

The most outstanding thing that happened on this lovely vacation was when my mom almost died. We are lucky to have her. Her vacation was at the Re-compression center of the doctor's office.

Interesting trip. And that isn't even the half.
the shirley temples weren't the greatest
i was bored half the time
i got a wristband that meant i was 18
i drank much more alcohol than you would have expected
a 28 year old native fell in love with me
i got better at price bartering
i also stole a couple things
i realized how barren my spirit is right now
i learned to windsurf
i started getting use to the taste of saltwater
i took a picture of a shark
scuba diving became a love of mine
i witnessed the most orgasmic thunder and lighting rainstorm of my life.
i got soaked walking around in it.
Becca became best friends with a girl from London
she got hit on more than i did (lol)
the last night was great and then i really screwed it up
kissing complete strangers is not recommended
there is one person who i regret not punching in the face
i learned many random facts and other interesting things
i was so damn anxious to leave yesterday morning
oh yea
and i realized my life is going to be absolutely extraordinary.
learn more at www.getthefuckoverhererightnowandtalktome.com

READY!

So.
i am gonna miss you blog.
i wish there was a name good enough for you so i could refer to you with it.
but i can't think of any.


hmm. i am also going to miss James.
he is now someone i like to spend my time with.
he's fun.
interesting.
and i can usually count on him.
which brings me to something else:
lately i have found most people to be unreliable.
they go through my personal stuff.
they aren't there for you when you need them.
they assume too much about you.
they don't listen.
they are hypocritical.
they say things they don't mean.
they don't follow through.
they are biased.
(this is not excluding myself btw)
i mean...no i don't expect people to be perfect.
i don't expect people to get everything right.
but i do expect people to be the best they can be.
and the people i have been associating with neglect to do this.
no, I'm not the most consistent person in the world,
but i can always look you in the eye and say "i tried"
and when i say that, it means i did the best i could with the situation.
i put so much thought into everything i do.
i do my best not to hurt anyone with the decisions i make.
other people seem so careless lately.
it sucks.

yea and i will miss the rest of the facakes
but i won't miss all the drama and shit.
plus...i need a break again already.


oh yes. and my family.
spending a week with them should be great.
but my mom and i are currently in disagreement about some things.
but it should be great.

I'm just about packed.
I'm almost ready.
I'm super stoked!

Quote of the Month. June and July.

June Theme: Innovation

"The best way to predict the future is the create it."

All I know is that I did my best in June. Took control of my future. So yea...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

July Theme: Leadership.

"Clearly defined goals cut through the fog like a beacon in the night."

I don't how to be a leader of these people anymore. They don't listen.
And even if they did, I may be leading them wrongly.
I don't have goals.
So I donno. I will be a leader for myself. If people want to follow. Welcome.
Does that count?

oh, here is what I wrote for my about me. i guess it kinda applies:

"I am here to help all of you keep going.
I am not here to be walked all over.
I am here to show you how to take one foot
and put it in front of the other so as to move forward.
I am not here to direct the frequency or length of your movement.
I am simply here to remind you that each (STEP) comes with strength.
And with strength comes hope.
And with hope comes life."

At Wits End

having a bad day.
but i am happy. :D
wtf is wrong with me?
i don't even care anymore.
going to a party tonight.
then throwing a party after that.
and then tomorrow...MEXICO!!!
I am stoked to scuba dive,
meet new people,
spend a week with my family,
eat all the food i could possibly want,
drink endless Shirley Temples,
relax in the sun,
dance on the beach,
hablo espanol,
y tomar mucho fotos!
i could get drunk there too...
i hate what alcohol does to your brain,
and i hate how it changes people,
but i could use a little action right about now.
who knows?
I most likely won't. I really don't like the idea.
But knowing how reckless I have been lately, I couldn't say for sure.


~~
yup...
but me and my mom got in a fight today.
she made me feel like absolute shit for a while.
she acts like i am a horrible person because i am independent, have problems with depression and put other people before myself.
but, i was only sad for a few minutes.

i remembered that by most peoples standards, my life is perfect, so i will just go with that. :D

plus i saw Hairspray last night
and it was the bomb.

To the "worldly and dreamy (if somewhat shady) young rake"

back from soccer camp.
ask me about it later.
if you ask me now, I will tell you that a cougar attacked me.

Here some of the other stuff I wrote on the train a few weeks ago. this is after Jay went to lay down:

"Jay. Right now I could pass out. Seriously, I could, but I won't. I love this feeling of being on the move...not knowing what is going to happen. Supposed to be in the station at 2:20am now. Just left Kelso.
Met the most amazing guy. But it takes alot out of you to have a real conversation.
I swear I'm fucking psycho. Right now I just wanna....Shit. I don't even know anymore.

I wanna stand in the middle between the two cars. I wanna feel the turbulence.

Power out...again.
Slow to half speed.
Motherfuck.
Wanna go sit next to Jay but I'm kinda afraid.
I wanna lay down.

The black guy earlier was talking about ghosts. This feels haunted. Lights low.
Now I'm freaking out.
Oh shit...that was bad.
This is bad.

TEST TEST TEST mother fucker.
this darkness isn't a tunnel.
It's night. Is it here to stay this time?

Some Duke E. should calm me down.
"all night long"
the train is dancing.
I'm just gonna hide for now.

Power on."

Jay. I guess i thought about you more than I wrote about you.
cause i just wanted you to come back.
I started imagining the passengers waking up as zombies.
in fact, that guy you had been playing cards with got up really fast and i jumped like a foot off my seat.
i wanted to be protected.
I was gonna go find you, but i didn't want to bother you.
I didn't really think you wanted me to find you.
so i just thought about you. and how happy i was that i met you.
and i thought you were freaked out about the hug. but if it was "cute" then that is good. :D
getting an email from you was one of the first things that happened when i got home from camp and i was squealing with joy. i read it like 5 times. i was relieved to know you didn't forget about me. :D
oh and thanks for finally telling me about the green M&Ms!!!
found your site just now (my blog feels pathetic now.)
i miss you jay!!

p.s. if you remember that older native American looking guy who was on the train, i ran into him the other day at a Starbucks out in Seattle. It was so random because my parents and I had spent the night on our sailboat about an hour from our house and stopped at the most random Starbucks, and i saw this guy who i recognized but I couldn't place him. then he pointed at me and so i walked over to him and he was like: "hey there, i know you from the train. well not really. i wanted to talk to you but you looked preoccupied with your writing and then you were talking to someone else." it was a pretty cool coincidence. he was on his way to Ozzfest. :P

"What exactly do you mean 'sexually active'?"

Hmm.

I was feeling great today.

Spent about 3 hours at the doctors office for my physical.
Spent 30 minutes at Costco to get my contacts.
Spent the afternoon on the sail boat and walking on the pier with James.
Spent a few hours napping (in James' bed cause I had a nightmare -- err daymare.)

When we were driving to Issaquah, there was this man on the road with a sign:
"We all need help sometime in our lives. I need help right now."
Of course my dad didn't stop. It isn't like we had any food to give him.
I was compelled to jump out of the car and give him my $15.
Or course I didn't.
For a while that completely destroyed my mood.

Then later, since my dad isn't the best of drivers, I noticed how many people shook their heads at him for making small mistakes.
Fuck, people need a break sometimes.
Nobody give anyone else any leeway for anything.
It is very disturbing.

Watched Disturbia with James.
It was scary enough to make me cry, but not to have a lasting effect.

Then before starting another movie I decided to take a break.
Something came to my attention which made me rather uneasy.
It was this web of friends on myspace, people I know from different places.
People who go to my school (one who i highly respect and the other who I have no respect for), people who went to my school who are now friends with my brother in some odd turn of events, and my brothers old friend (who i despise) and my brothers ex. They are all in this like circle of friends. And it is cool. I like the fact that all these random people are entwined and somehow I am connected to all of them. But at the same time it bothered me. People who I could never trust again are associating with people I am trying to learn to trust, when really I don't trust many people at all in the first place.
I can't describe it. It is strange.

~~
and now, after much consideration, I am highly confused about something completely unrelated.
GOODy.

I'd better leave before I do something stupid.
So...uhh, I'm getting the fuck outta here tomorrow at 1.
Soccer camp.
See ya peeps later.

ps. comment.

pss. about harry potter.
i saw about 50 people dressed up today. :P
ok, try 3. but still. pretty cool.
i'm on book 1 bitches!
have fun reading #7.

Hot Dogs, String Cheese, and Lucky Charms.

i wish i knew who i was yelling this to:

["I NEED YOU SO MUCH CLOSER!"]

i guess i wouldn't go as far as need.
i don't need anyone.
well, that is what i am going to tell myself.
really i just don't want to need anyone.
in reality, there is one person who seems sufficient,
but i refuse to allow him to be.
anyway, i want someone closer.
who? donno.
i want to be held.
but i am not sad.
for some reason, this time, i am fighting sadness well.
i feel it fighting back.
but i think i am strong enough to hold it off this time.
my heart is sunken to the bottom of my chest right now,
but i refuse to let this be sadness.
i can't let go of this hope for peace...
if you have been reading this site, you know why i grasp this hope so tightly:
it has been a while since i have even been able to get a grip.

anyway, had a good time hanging out with James tonight.
we talked a lot.
it was nice to just sit in my darkened room and talk to someone in person.
he said something interesting:
"i hate being a teenager"
i responded promptly with:
"really?! i love it!"
like Steve Carrel said on Little Miss Sunshine:
"these are you prime suffering years. you don't get better suffering than this."
i agree. we hurt for a good deal of our tiny existence.
why not enjoy it all?
i enjoy the pain.
not necessarily while it is going on, but i love looking back.
i appreciate what i learn from the pain.
i know i need it...
it is a part of life.
and i accept that.
maybe that is why i am happy
maybe "because I'm happy to be sad" i am really happy.
but...i have been suffering for a year.
i think i might have a turn at being happy.
we will see.
just know: i am fighting for it this time.

~~

p.s. i fucking hate sleeping alone.

Prisoner.

i hope no one takes offense to this.
but i wouldnt be surprised.
everything i do nowadays offends someone.
but instead of thinking of that, i am going to think of this:

"In this modern day and age we have instant coffee and instant tea--instant disbelief. Thats the reason we will never become anything--it is because we will never believe in ourselves. We will always listen to the mass majority. If everybody's making fun of you and criticizing you, then you know you're on the right track. Cause most people ain't got it." - Glenn Turner

so yes. here is how i feel.
courtesy of "The Postal Service"
no, not the USPS--apparently they are unreliable--
i am speaking of the band.
here is their brilliant song.
(and my commentary)
::

"This place is a prison (feels like it)
And these people arent your friends. (don't act like it)
Inhaling thrills through $20 bills (not exactly the way he means it, but yea...)
And the tumblers are drained and then flooded again and again.

There are guards at the on ramps armed to the teeth (can't see them though)
And you may case the grounds from the Cascades to Puget Sound (i do)
but you are not permitted to leave. (i could tell)

I know there's a big world out there like the one that I saw on the screen (i wanna go there)
in my living room late last night,
it was almost too bright to see. (too far away)
And I know that it's not a party if it happens every night (starting to figure that one out)
Pretending there's glamor in candelabra (the tinted lights?)
when you're drinking by candle light. (ahh yes)

What does it take to get a drink in this place? (how bout a glass of Respect--on the rocks)
What does it take? How long must I wait?" (too fuckin much. too fuckin' long.)


Someday...I will get out.
"District" will be right again.

Forced to feel better...

oh good. for a second there i thought it was going to be sunny today.
false alarm.
in the case of a real emergency, i wont take food breaks.
(oh wait, yes i will).

oh yes, fuckin love this song.

[["Now I'll take it.
its better for you
somehow we'll make it
cause that's what we do."]]


hmm. maybe that thunderstorm is coming...
the perfect day to be alone.
(once again, I'm dying to be held
but then again, so is everyone else.)
the wind is picking up.
the trees know this dance far too well.
they lean in and out.
teasing eachother.
just as we do.
and the wind brings more.
they can't ignore this song.
the clouds also become enthralled as they look upon the ballroom floor.
but laugh mockingly (though in envy).
and through this they pour.
they try to ruin the party.
but the trees only enjoy this more and their step quicken,
and their passion intensifies.
and all the world now is caught up in this energy--
whether they like it or not.
and the down pour comes.
and relieves everyone of their guilt.
washes clean their sins.
refreshes their minds and bodies.
it is like being attacked.
but we like it.
they like it.
the rush.
the joy.
the freedom.
the danger.
it engulfs us.
holds us.
it draws us with a force unknown.
we continue the dance.
we push through fear and embrace the unknown.
we live.
they warned us about that sort of thing...



~~~Full song:
RHCP's Make you Feel Better.

"She's the one she's the only one
She's got ripped back light
Gonna make me come
I say... when I smile I gonna really smile
I got dreams so wide like a country mile

I said now, I'll take it
It's better for you
Somehow we'll make it
'Cause that's what we do

Pick a star in the open sky
I see you see me
And that is why I

Hop along to the cowboy beat
When I feel your fire
Jump up to meet

I said now, I'll take it
It's better for you
Somehow we'll make it
'Cause that's what we do

Something out there
Where love is your only friend and
We are the ones
That will make you feel better and
Someone to spare
When love is the only end and
We are the ones
That will make you feel better
Oh yeah

In a world that has run amok
I've got to set my sights
Just to get struck

I walk away from the rank and file
With a punched out mouth
And a pack of style

I say... she's the one she's the only one
Make me search myself
Until I'm done... and

Tell me now in a telegram
Do the sea of stars
Make a diagram... and

Something out there
Where love is your only friend and
We are the ones
That will make you feel better and
Someone to spare
When love is the only end and
We are the ones
That will make you feel better
Oh yeah

So alive I arrive on dust
You can search my mind
For the red on rust... I said
Take me there and she really cares
Lights up for me gonna hear my prayers
I said

I said now, I'll take it
It's better for you
Somehow we'll make it
'Cause that's what we do

Something out there
Where love is your only friend and
We are the ones
That will make you feel better and
Someone to spare
When love is the only end and
We are the ones
That will make you feel better
Oh yeah

We are the ones (x4)
That will make you feel better

Now..."

Chemestry of [rain and] a car crash.

Mixed emotions.

We're living.

[in hell?]

We're living.

Rain
life.
We are having fun.
Maybe too much.
Running through the rain.
Driving 90. Racing.
and that is where the crash comes in.
She crashed today.
She could have died today.
Am I going to crash?
Now that I let go ever so little?
Do I lose control?
I certainly lost it tonight.

So when I care, am I not living? Cause that feels like suffering.
It hurts to know how fucked everything is.
And when I don't care, I lose meaning. and I lose a hold on myself.
But it is fun. I won't deny that I love the freedom.
Thought I was able to transcend that...
Guess not.

I am done with this for now.
No more depression.
I'm gonna try to keep you away for good this time.

Cease Fire.

"Ten Nine Eight and I'm breaking away
I'm all dressed up and ready to play.
Seven Six Five Four and I'm all over you
Counting Three Two One and I'm having fun." -STG

Still up from the party. Most everyone is too. 'Cept not many people showed up besides Facakes.

I donno. It was absolutely nothing special. I mean, it was not really fun cause we never do anything. We never watch movies cause "that is boring" and we never can all sit around and talk anymore cause nobody listens. And we don't dance because everyone has a crush on everyone else so we are too self conscious.


At least it started to rain. I missed the rain so fucking much!! It's just drizzling but it doesn't look like it is about to stop. :D


~
Anyway. My friends have problems.

But those are written in a private post because I wouldn't want to offend anyone by being honest.

I love them to death but they confuse the fuck outta me sometimes.
~

And this whole stereotype thing drives me up the wall. "Emos", "scene kids", "punks"... i hate these terms. Each person is an individual, so let them dress who they want to dress without being so critical. If they look like a group of people that doesn't make them the same as those people and we have no right to say "God, I hate him. He is a scene kid." If they compare themselves to a group of people by calling themselves "punks" or whatever, then that is up to them, but leave it to them. And when people say "that music is so 'emo'" or "Stuart is being such an 'emo' right now" that just pisses me off to no end. 'Emo' is like emotional and there is nothing wrong with that. If someone is sad that doesn't make them anything but sad. 'Emo' seems to be a term that is put on people who are acting sad in order to get attention. Half the time that isn't the case and even if it is, people should just let them be. Fuck labels. Nobody should be put into these stereotypes. Its fucked that society is like that.


Anyway, it seems that Transformers the TV show is done so Alicia and Brian will be wanting to get on the computer or something quite soon, so I will wrap this up.

Hmm...I should get more sleep. And eat less. Those are two of my worst problems right now.]
Later all.

Eating Disorder

Never thought i would have a self control problem like this again. I have such good self control. But now i have a problem. I cannot stop eating. This isn't good. Yesterday was the worst. I am pretty sure there wasn't an hour that went by that i didn't eat a couple of things. And bad things too. Unhealthy shit. Last night it caught up to me (that and lack of sleep) and I got a fever and felt like I was going to just fall over and die. No stomach ache but just a feeling of dizziness and drowsiness. It wasn't good. But I feel like eating all the time. Even when I am completely full. It is something to do...even when I have other things to do. People have got to start watching me. I can't continue like this. Maybe it will change when I go to soccer camp. I mean, I know it will be better because I will be playing soccer for at least 8 hours out of the day. But I am worried cause if I have money I can always just go to the store and get whatever food I want. I am even considering going back to Chad about it. But then again, who wants to be on a strictly controlled diet. Not me. I don't want people dictating what I can or cannot eat. Grr. Need better self control when it comes to this. Maybe I should chew more gum...maybe.

But other than that, life is good. Huge party tonight and I am stoked.

As the rush comes...

Its funny
when your enemies are your friends and your friends are your enemies,
when you are almost happy to be sad, and it kinda makes you sad to be happy,


Its funny
that the person who knows you best also knows how to make you feel the worst,
and the ones that don't know you at all can brighten your day with the simplest smile.

Home again.

yup. i am here. NB. the valley. the hood. not.
anyway. had mixed feelings about coming back.
i had a blast with Caitlin and Sadie and Kody and Eli and i am gonna miss them.
wish i had more time to talk with Nyg, but...there wasn't much to be said.

anyway, it seems like all my friends here missed me a lot.
Good. Because I was sick of being pushed aside and feeling insignificant to them.
I get to see them today. We are going to the lake.

I didn't sleep when I got home from Seattle (which was about 4am). Just stayed up and cleaned my room. A LOT.

I reread about half of my past blogs (on this site at least) and what a fuckin trip that is. I guess since hardly anyone reads this regularly, they miss a lot of what goes on with me. I guess that is why no one really understands me. I'm almost tempted to let my mom read it. But then again, whenever I give her an inch into my life she tries to take a mile.
whatever.

yesterday was like a week long.
Here. I will post some of the stuff i wrote on the train:

"leaving Chemult about 2:18pm" "on the train now. sitting in the viewing car or whatever it is called. it is pretty loud. don't know how long i will last in here cause i can hardly hear my music. but there are interesting people and it is easier to observe them here than in the regular seats where i am seated next to an old woman who i guess lives in Tacoma but was visiting her son in bend. I'm not wearing shoes. I like it better that way. This little boy (or girl) who is sitting across the table from me seems pretty shy. He/she is listening to his/her black iPod. I want to talk to someone my age or older. this black lady sitting across form her husband is staring at me. The little boy/girl just got up and left. Men across the aisle are talking about some cities. A bunch of kids are sitting at a table in front of me. there are 5 friends (seems to have just met) playing cards behind me. I am eating cracker stackers. Drinking a Jones. Happy. I could live here. Oh Jurassic Park is playing in my headphones. I feel like I'm in the dino tour with all these tress around. searching for something new and cool to look at. wish i was facing the other way. more people to observe. 'if love is surrender, than whose war is it anyway?' -Psychobabble by Frou Frou Creepy. I was watching the train and thinking it was pretty turbulent like a plane cause we are shaking around a lot and i was thinking of the like 'it's just a little turbulence' from the song Snakes on a Plane. then i went to the next song and it was that one. i love when stuff like that happens. I really wanna talk to someone, but i am kinda afraid to start a convo with the guys across the aisle. but everyone else is quite preoccupied. motherfucker! this man walked by looking for a place to sit and he didn't take the seat across from me. one of the creepy guys is leaving. maybe the other one will talk to me...but do i really want that? i donno. i just don't wanna get stuck talking to someone boring. but if i keep my headphones on nobody is going to talk to me. maybe i will stop writing. p.s. the kid was a boy. 4 of the friends just left... two are back. they are older than me a bit. 21. I miss the rain. still sitting here 4:08. contemplating what to do. lots of observations. no will or reason to record it all. SOMEONE TALK TO ME!! mother fucker. i want conversation. mom says i am approachable. she's probably just saying that. ahh. old man sat down and talked to me a little. we talked about where we had been and where we are going. he told me about how he worked on the railroads for 36 years. now he is gon. i am sad. but he was hard to hear and he didn't say much." "7:30. Albany. Next stop Portland. 4-6 hours behind schedule. watching 3 adults play poker. the man is losing. there are some of the same people in this viewing car as before. the gangster kid talked to me. asked me how old i was. but only because his friends left and he was being bothered by this little girl. thats the only reason he talked to me"


there is more. but i don't feel like posting it yet.

Hardening.

I'm so fucking sick of wondering.

no...

I'm fucking sick of knowing.


and for all you people,
i hate you.
yet look what i do for you.

~~~~

"you can't be a martyr alex. martyrs die."
(i guess I'm invincible now.)

~~~~

watched this movie tonight:
Mark Wiener: People always end up the way they started out. No one ever changes. They think they do but they don't. If you're the depressed type now that's the way you'll always be. If you're the mindless happy type now, that's the way you'll be when you grow up. You might lose some weight, your face may clear up, get a body tan, breast enlargement, a sex change, it makes no difference. Essentially, from in front, from behind. Whether you're 13 or 50, you will always be the same.
'Mark' Aviva Victor: Are you the same?
Mark Wiener: Yeah.
'Mark' Aviva Victor: Are you glad you're the same?
Mark Wiener: It doesn't matter if I'm glad. There's no freewill. I mean, I have no choice but to chose what I choose, to do as I do, to live as I live. Ultimately, we're all just robots programmed abritrarily by nature's genetic code
'Mark' Aviva Victor: Isn't there any hope?
Mark Wiener: For what? We hope or despair because of the way we've been programmed. Genes and randomness, that's all there is and none of it matters.
'Mark' Aviva Victor: Does that mean you're never going get married and have children?
Mark Wiener: I have no anent desire to get married or have kids. But that's beyond my control. Really, it makes no difference. Since the planet's fast running out of natural resources and we won't make it into the next century.
'Mark' Aviva Victor:What if you're wrong? What if there is a God?
Mark Wiener: That makes me feel better.

~~~~

expecting an unexpected phone call which will bring good news.

stayed up late last night writing,
and hanging with someone who only exists when she and i are alone.

as always disrespected by the group.

lost my best friend again today.

said R.I.P. to my cell phone.

saw his mother.

unlike yesterday, i didn't cry.

my eyes burn.

scuba tomorrow.

Tara's here.


P.S. this is all an illusion.

(it all ends at once)

Grow.

so, this year i have been reading these books.
you know, i am in AP American Literature.
and we read these books. the epic ones. the ones that define America.

What have we read?
The Scarlet Letter
The Crucible
Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God
Upon the Burning of Our House
A Narrative of Her Captivity
The Declaration of Independence
Speech to the Virginia Convention
Franklin's Autobiography
The Crisis
Various works by authors: Emerson, Thoreau and Poe
The Leader of the People
The Grapes of Wrath
The Autobiography of Frederick Douglass
A Stillness at Appomattox
Huck Finn
The Open Boat
To Build a Fire
Barn Burning
The Great Gatsby
The Fixer
One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest
and more.

they are considered the greatest works in the history of the US.
and they are all calls. calls to duty. for one thing, or for another.
they are all calls for freedom.
and they are all asking for something greater than words.
for action.
and they are all ignored as far as i can tell.

and I feel like Mr. McMurphy yelling at those doomed for the Combine that we are not rabbits!
and I feel like Tom Joad and Jim Casy fighting the wrathful grip of the grapes.
and I feel like Yakov Bok survived life's greatest horrors of injustice in order to insight change.
and I feel like Frederick Douglass and Hester Prynne and Jay Gatsby whose stories are used to demonstrate the shortcomings of the norms of society.

As Thoreau says: "The obedient must be slaves." None of these heroes were bound as slaves when they were through...
Ahh, Thoreau said a lot of things. As did the rest. I could comment on them all or
I could say this:

I am Alex Chana Eisenberg.
My name meaning that I am the gracious and merciful protector of mankind who stands upon an iron mountain.
and i won't forget these heroes or their stories.
I want to live as if they were my own.

"I'm not a stone, I am just a man."

Flyleaf song that describes how i am feeling lately.

"So I Thought"
All your twisted thoughts free flow
(I'm drowning in contemplation)
To everlasting memories 
(trying to make sense of the world from experience and observation)

Show soul 
(i would, but the world won't understand)
Kiss the stars with me
(will somebody understand?)
And dread the wait for
stupid calls returning to us to life
(the depth feels real until you knock it away with this place you call reality)
We say to those who are in love
It can't be true 'cause we're too young
(there is no such thing as too young)
I know that its true because so long I was
So in love with you
(i know i was)
So I thought
(i thought you knew too)

A year goes by
And I can't talk about it
(i can talk, but now i block out any emotion it evokes from me)

On my knees
Dim lighted room 
(i sit alone in my darkened room every night trying to make sense of this)
Thoughts free flow, try to consume myself in this 
(but i can't find god. i can't find anything to believe in)
I'm not faithless 
(i don't want to be at least)
Just paranoid of getting lost or that I might lose 
(but if i believe in something again, i will be let down)
Ignorance is bliss cherish it 
(truth is too much for me to grasp)
Pretty neighborhoods you learn to much to hold 
(...i can't get my head around it all)
Believe it not 
(i don't really believe it is too much...but what do i do with it?)
And fight the tears 
(i fight them. i have no use for tears anymore)
With pretty smiles and lies about the times 
(yea i will look back with smiles, but i will lie in saying it was all ok).

A year goes by
And I can't talk about it
The times weren't right
And I couldn't talk about it 
(maybe if in a different time)

Choris Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me 
(remembering is what is important)
Hurt the first, the last, between
Choris Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last, between

And I'm praying that we will see
Something there in between
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream
So we can talk about it
(i want to find something to live for. something that exceeds my expectations.)

And all these twisted thoughts I see
Jesus there in between
And all these twisted thoughts I see
Jesus there in between.
(something there...there has to be something there.)



i am searching.
i wouldn't say i am constantly sad. but i am not happy. not by a long shot.
i am glad about the situation with tony. i got my closure. that whole deal is fine.
but it does leave me with a void. a giant void to fill. and nothing to fill it with.

for you religious people reading:
imagine waking up one day and finding that your world view was completely wrong.
you would be left with nothingas religion is likely the basis of your life.
if it was taken away, what would you have left?

that is how i feel.
i feel like i put my faith, my heart, my whole self into something that is now gone.
yup, in a way it is gone.
so it is time to move on.
i understand that much, but i have nothing to move on to.



it's like in Gatsby:
"Out of the corner of his eye Gatsby saw that the blocks of sidewalk
really formed a ladder and mounted to a secret place above the trees
--he could climb it, if he climbed alone, and once there
he could suck on the pap of life, gulp down the incomparable milk of wonder."

this is what i have to do. but i can't find the tree.
or perhaps, i can't find the ladder. 



AVA puts it this way:
"Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
And when you close your eyes, do you see the future?
And if you could escape from the past,
would you be ready for the next adventure?"

i use to think everything happened for a reason.
i still want to believe so.
and yes, i can imagine the future, but sometimes i can only imagine it free of me.
and i am trying to escape from the past.
I AM READY FOR THE NEXT ADVENTURE.

i think i have been screaming that for a year now!
but now i am really ready.
and yet, i am stuck in this valley, with these people, yearning for more.

then i look on to Evergreen. That is more than a year away.
But i am motivated by imagining all the magnificent things i can achievethere.
But again, my dreaming is halted by modernism, realism, reason:
there is no purpose to life.
There is no ultimate end. And so the means are absolutely insignificant.
And all my hope for accomplishment is clouded by questions.
The only thing that appears clear is that nothing will change the big picture.
And if not, then why are we here?
All of these successes that we make out to be what life is about;
all of this happiness that we create in our minds; it truly means nothing.

And so somebody answer me:
Do we live simply to live?
Not to make change?
Not to improve life or save it from ultimate extinction?
Can you accept that? I don't think I can...                          
Is it possible that we live to find a false sense of happiness before we die,
so that we feel as though we fulfilled ourselves and furthered a greater purpose
when really we have achieved nothing?



I know this is all so morbid an idea but again I quote Gatsby:
"No amount of fire or freshness can challenge
what a man will store up in his ghostly heart."
i agree.
and All of these questions are stuck in there brewing.

what now?

now that i have given up the pursuit of the one i love because i have found no need or want in him anymore,
now that i am overwhelmed with purposelessness and insignificance in this world,
now that i have nobody who i really trust or look to,
now that i see no point in most every conversation,
and i find interest in only the most wonderful and beautiful and depthful concepts,
now that my goals have come to naught, and with no remorse,
now that the only true comfort i feel is within things that are rare and fleeting,
what do i live for? what do i get up for?
the answer: waiting.
waiting is what i spend my life in.
waiting: an idea i despise, as i wish to live in every moment that comes to pass.
now i wait and anticipate the passing or each day.
there is nothing for me here.
i place the fate of my life in the hope that there is something there for me.
that is hope.
and hope alone.

no happiness.
no sadness.
this is pointless.

Funny.

NYG! you will love this.

i found these lyrics. they are absolutely hilarious, and even better when the British dude sings them:

"Thou shalt not steal if there is direct victim.
Thou shalt not worship pop idols or follow lost prophets.
Thou shalt not take the names of Johnny Cash, Joe Strummer, Johnny Hartman, Desmond Decker, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix or Syd Barrett in vain.
Thou shalt not think any male over the age of 30 that plays with a child that is not their own is a pedophile - Some people are just nice.
Thou shalt not read NME.
Thou shalt not stop likin' a band just 'cause they’ve 'come popular.
Thou shalt not question Stephen Fry.
Thou shalt not judge a book by its cover.
Thou shalt not judge Lethal Weapon by Danny Glover.
Thou shalt not buy Coca-Cola products, thou shalt not buy Nestle products.
Thou shalt not go into the woods with your boyfriend’s best friend, take drugs and cheat on him.
Thou shalt not fall in love so easily.
Thou shalt not use poetry, art or music to get into girls’ pants - use it to get into their heads.
Thou shalt not watch Hollyoaks.
Thou shalt not attend an open mic and leave as soon as you done your shitty little poem or song, you self-righteous prick.
Thou shalt not return to the same club or bar week in, week out, just ’cause you once saw a girl there that you fancied but you’re never gonna fucking talk to.

Thou shalt not put musicians and recording artists on ridiculous pedestals no matter how great they are or were.
The Beatles - Were just a band.
Led Zepplin - Just a band.
The Beach Boys - Just a band.
The Sex Pistols - Just a band.
The Clash - Just a band.
Crass - Just a band.
Minor Threat - Just a band.
The Cure - Were just a band.
The Smiths - Just a band.
Nirvana - Just a band.
The Pixies - Just a band.
Oasis - Just a band.
Radiohead - They're just a band.
Bloc Party - Just a band.
The Arctic Monkeys - Just a band.
The Next Big Thing - Just a band!

Thou shalt give equal worth to tragedies that occur in non-English speaking countries as to those that occur in English speaking countries.
Thou shalt remember that guns, bitches and bling were never part of the four elements and never will be.
Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music, thou shalt not make repetitive generic music, thou shalt not make repetitive generic music, thou shalt not make repetitive generic music.
Thou shalt not pimp my ride.
Thou shalt not scream if you wanna go faster.
Thou shalt not move to the sound of the wickedness.
Thou shalt not make some noise for Detroit.
When I say “Hey” thou shalt not say “Ho.”
When I say “Hip” thou shalt not say “Hop.”
When I say, he say, she say, we say, make some noise - kill me.

[Ah, forgot where I was, hang on]

Thou shalt not quote Me Happy.
Thou shalt not shake it like a Polaroid picture.
Thou shalt not wish your girlfriend was a freak like me.
Thou shalt spell the word “Phoenix” P-H-E-O-N-I-X, not P-H-O-E-N-I-X, regardless of what the Oxford English Dictionary tells you.
Thou shalt not express your shock at the fact that Sharon got off with Brad at club last night by saying “Is it.”
Thou shalt think for yourselves.

And thou shalt always, thou shalt always... kill."

yea....pretty damn random.

Quote of the Month. May.

Theme: Potential

"Unlock your potential. The possibilities for expansion and growth are inside us all."


i don't really think i even need to go into what i did for my potential this month.

i realized my worth.
i did something to protect my honor.
i grew.

circumstance allowed for me to take control of my potential. but i would have found it eventually.

now...i need to hold that. i need to keep recognizing my strength...and my ability to do great things. and i will. it is in sight.

play.

no matter what happens now, i have won.

it was one of the harder steps, but i took it in stride.

i am scared. but i am fearless.
my breath wavers. but i stand tall.

tears form. but i know this is right.

no matter how anyone responds, i have come out on top.

i am proud of myself.
i am proud of myself.

Catch and Release

Goodbye.
Tonight begins a new chapter in the life of Alex.

So farewell to whatever was before.
And hello to whatever is to come.

I am strong enough now.

So goodbye to you.
Not because you said so.
But because I say so.

Finally, I know what it is to love.

"I prefer to go by feel"

haha. i was reading through my posts searching for something to enter into "Meadowbrook Way" tomorrow, and i came across this post ranting about jackie s. from right after "the incident" and it said that i wasn't going to forgive her for all the shit she did cause "I am not THAT nice, and you can suck my balls if you don't like that." i thought it was humorous. that whole post is like "BAM BAM BAM BAM! eat my shit bitch!" lol. wow. i have...anger issues. cant blame me though? yea, didn't think so! here if you are interested in more of this shit. <-- click

my other favorite quote from past posts is "my essay is progressing in the 'not' fashion!" haha. yup. pretty much. what should i put in meadowbrook? not that anyone will read this until it is too late. should have thought about this earlier. ahh well, i'm not proud of something enough anyway. oh yea. wanna read the sweetest thing ever? <-- clickity clickity (nyg. i love you. i really do. but you of all people know what it is like to have other people who care, but if its not that ONE person you are still sad. everything you say, i hear it.) and yea. i am not ok. anyone could have seen that today. but it is numbness so don't worry. i talked so little today that when i actually opened my mouth, nothing coherent came out. ha. ha. ghggnnfidkdnfnmfjfjfnfmdmdjjfjfjfldlldicicikcmrmrmrkfjgjfdmdmdmd (that was me drumming on the keyboard to the drum solo in "torture me." wooo!) but omg!! caitlin you are my best friend!!! I JUST GOT YOUR LETTER AND I AM FREAKING STOKED!!! wow that is the best i have felt in forever. i will put it in my binder to brighten things up. and now...can anyone guess how i feel again 2 minutes later...(drumroll!) SHITTY! (ding ding ding) geezus. nothing (not even the funniest letter, from the coolest person in the world + a smiley sticker) can truly fight this. but thanks mucho caitlin. it will give me smiles. i love it. thank you. thank you! i really love it, i am just fucked up in the head. oh yea. i stole earrings today. haha. yea...it was stupid but w/e. i fuckin hate society and i feel pretty damn justified. dont even no why, but i feel no remorse. and if you have a fucking problem with THAT, then you can... hmm, i would say "suck my balls", but i think that has lost its effect...but you get the point. haha. yea, this is me. i hate thieves. now i am one. don't worry though, i already had a love-hate relationship with the person in the mirror (and the one that has taken up residency in my brain.)

i could write humorously pessimistic forever i think cause...it is funny. haha. depression is so fucking pathetic. i know this. but somehow....somehow it manages to tie me down am fuck me over again and again. hahahaha.

wow. i should probably go do my logs and shit. haha "do my logs." i meant, write my reading logs for jacksons class. wow. yea. speaking of that...i was writing them during math and ian smith showed me how to bs them. so i started writing a story about the 16th century instead of commenting on the story. haha. it was great fun.

ok. homework...

and i have to tape my science interview tomorrow. them my clegg project is pretty much finito! yea. bitchen! ohhh that is Josh's word...now i miss josh. and that house. and everything/one who belongs there.

yea...
"my sunny side has up and died. i'm betting that when we collide the universe will shift into a low"
i will give you anything if you tell me what album i am listening to.
yup.

a b a a b b a b a a a b a a c a a a a a b a a a a b a a a b a b a b a a

so my mom came in and started telling me about american idol and stuff and she was holding my binder on her lap which had my report card in the view slot on the front. so she saw it and started ravishing about my grades and telling me how amazing they are

oh wait...now both my parents are at it.....
hold on a sec...


ok done.

wow. so yea they come in and start giving me all this praise and telling me how proud they are. and i am looking at them and i love them. that was part of what i was thinking. i was looking at the two of them together and how glad i am to make them happy. they deserve to be happy.

and then they say i should be so proud of myself and just so overjoyed that my hard work has paid off.

but i'm not. yea, i love my grades..

right now i am in this like...kinda emotionless state. yea...exactly how it is. there is almost nothing that can really get me going and excited. i feel dull and bored and...i donno.

yea pirates is on friday which makes me happy...but i am not like super stoked. can hardly even look forward to summer. nothing seems right any more.

i am not really trying to complain. i am not feeling sorry for myself. i just don't understand it. this is a curious thing. why wont anything stimulate emotion from me (and i mean real emotion).

i donno. but i do know that i feel like dirt. i feel worthless. but i feel like i have to put on this facade of worth. especially for tony. i want him to think i know i am worth enough and more. but i don't buy it.

i am very confused as to why i feel so low. it is like depression has taken on a different form, or has tried a new tactic.

well whatever is going on...i need to sleep or i wont survive tomorrow. and tomorrow isn't even close to what i have to get through before i get a break.

and soccer is starting.

really...i am stuck.

please let me know someone still reads this shit.

solitude.

no motivation to read Huck anymore but I kinda have to.
after this.



sometimes i look in the mirror and can't tell who i am.
tonight, i looked and didn't recognize myself.
i really didn't like the unfamiliarity.
but my thoughts held me together.
while i stared i could find contentedness in my thoughts.
in the internal of my being.
and in no one else.

i wish i knew how to get where i want to go with this.
now i am back to lost.

for a while there i was feeling as though i finally found what i needed within myself.
and now while i am trying to write it i feel disturbingly discontented by the same thoughts.
the same discontent i feel when i say that i am alone.
really, i am alone.
somehow i felt good about that all day.

now, it makes me cringe.

weird.

fuckin' bipolar, i know.

pure

i am fighting,

i am rising up,

i am gaining strength.

i am suffering,

but i will emerge

stronger

than

ever.

i know this.

i feel it.

i am fighting,

i am trying,

i am winning.

i am hurting,

but i smile

knowing

i

am

living.

i am living.

update (random)

school isn't much easier now. arguably, it is harder.

i am still depressed.

i need somebody to hold.

i knew it.

i don't want to be let go. i want to let go of you.


need 4 fillings. four wisdom teeth pulled.

POTC in two weeks.

i need a shower.

i wasted an hour. kinda.

i am gonna go cry. . .
but i can't
cause i don't have time.
and nobody cares (so Jackson says).


i want out of this.
let me out.
but you pull me back in.
let me out.
(i wouldn't leave anyway.)

oh yea. P.S. at least forget her.

Softer. Closer.

your eyes were softer today.
they smiled.
they haven't smile like that for a year.

we danced and laughed.
and sung together.

it was almost like before.

i remembered again.

but this time i didn't wake up.

clear skies. clouded truth.

heres the real deal.

for all of the people wondering:

yes, I'm depressed.
no, I'm not suicidal.

yes, me and tony are talking again.
no, we aren't dating.
if we do, then we do.
period.
deal with it.
it is a decision that only he and i will make.
if i happen to ask you for advice on it, then feel free to tell me what you think.
otherwise, keep it to yourself.
i know people don't agree. i know why.
you all need to realize that you don't understand the entire situation.
he and i don't even understand the situation completely.
right now we are working on a friendship.
if it comes to be more than that, i would expect my real friends to be happy for us.
if it turns out to be a mistake, then i would expect those same friends to be helpful and supportive.
if all of that is too much of a burden for you, then i don't know how much of a friend you are.

in other words:
me and tony are talking about things. like i tell everyone: right now we are working on being friends. we aren't like "planning" anything. we will just see what happens. we both care about each other...we are worried about the same problems from before but that is why we are going to take our time. I'm not gonna let what happened ruin the possibilities. i am strong. i am willing to take a risk for the person i love.

~~

and furthermore, since there are other rumors floating about:

no, tony and i have never had sex.
i am still a virgin and plan on remaining so.

no, i never cheated on tony.
and i wouldn't dream of it.

~~

and and lastly:

how fucking hard is it to leave a name on comments? if you have something to say, you should be proud to say it under your true name. if you are ashamed to claim the words you present, that just demonstrates that your thoughts lack much power or meaning.

Quote of the Month. April.

Theme: Today

"Live your best today, for it is your only preparation for tomorrow."

Today. Today.
I live here today. There tomorrow.
Today is all that matters.
If that prepares for tomorrow...so be it.
I think.


"And it came to me then, that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time..."
do plans equal directions?
do they make you?

today today.
and yesterday.
and tomorrow.

get through today.
step again.
step.

dont give me advice

unless i fucking ask for it.

and unless you fucking know what you are talking about.

.evol

being in love is more than unsteadiness of breathing. more than...butterflies. butterflies are the best part of love. the way you feel whenever you see them. yea, it is more than butterflies...but that is kinda how it feels.

the lack of sturdiness is also the worst part. i always thought everything would be certain in love. but it isn't. nothing it certain actually. nothing.

because...maybe i was wrong. maybe you can love someone with your whole heart and not be meant for them. or maybe you are meant for them...and maybe following that "fate" means suffering. maybe you do give up yourself when you are in love. even parts you don't want to give up.

i am giving. i am giving. soon i will be gone.
all i do is give. always, forever.

hmm...summer skin just came on.

"squeaky swings and tall grass. the longest shadows ever cast. waters warm and children swim as we frolicked about in our summer skin. i don't recall a single care: just greenery and humid air. then labor day came and went, and we shed what was left of our summer skin. on the night you left i came over, and we pealed the freckles from our shoulders. our brand new coats are so fleshed and pink, and i knew your heart i couldn't win. cause the seasons change was a conduit and we left our love in our summer skin."

yea...that was two summers ago.


love love. what is love?

here is what i said before:

"Love. (for Kristin)

there are, innumerable ways to define and describe love.
and...they are all correct.

yet...we, as humans, seek for that one defined feeling that we can hold forever.
not quite a pointless expedition. but a rather ridiculous one.
all we need to do to find love is open our eyes, our minds, our souls.
and our hearts.

love can be found in the giving of a gift,
the pledge of eternity,
a simple hug,
a look,
even just a smile,
forgiveness,
irrational but fulfilling acts,
support through thick and thin,
trying something new
or even simply telling the one you have loved for 3 years that his new girlfriend went "that way" down the hall.

often, while we are busy trying to define the word,
we are missing out on its presence.

so yes, kristin, i agree.
love cant be defined.
only felt.

but i do have something to add.
love never dies.
passion, attraction, sparks, and relationship might eventually fade.
but love, is unending.

so hiding the traces of a love that is no longer obvious...is pointless. wasteful even.
boxing up all the pictures and letters, wont conceal the love.
cutting off communication, wont end the love.
giving away the stuffed bears, and puppies, and lions, wont let you forget the love.

so put up that beautiful Christmas ornament he gave you
and embrace the love that will always be a part of you.

and even when the memories fade,
know this:
you have loved and been loved
and so, you have lived."

now...now...that the boy is back in my arms.
now...i know i am loved. i know that i love...
but...now, i am afraid. now, it is different.
he is different. i am different.
but unconditional?
under any circumstance?
how?

i know what i want. and then i don't .
no, i know what i want. i just don't think i can have it.
i don't think he knows what unconditional means...
so does that mean that i suffer?
is this unrequited love? real unrequited love...in which they both love, but only one unconditionally?

maybe what i said later:

"I have something else to say about love...

Love is not perfection.
In fact, love is imperfection.
It isnt always about agreeing and compromising
sometimes it is yelling and screaming.

and also...

love is about forgiveness
-unconditionally-
so that after the fight,
the souls can rest
and not lose sight of love.



and finally...
love of two people is not to be judged by any other.
no one has any right or reason to question anyone's love.

why is love undefinable?
because it is different for everyone.
and no one should ever say that one love is better than another.
there are personal ideals for love,
no wrong and right."

no wrong and right...
no answer.
so...
i feel. i suffer.
i love.

Jump.

"Rationality does not reside in love; it can't, and it never will, because love is all about being irrational; doing things for people that most would consider foolish, giving up things and dedicating yourself to the one you love."

I am too romantic for this world.

Do we live our lives emotionless?
Or do we rather die?
Or, should we decide to suffer the "slings and arrows" of life?
Do we have everlasting, unconditional faith?
Or, do we feel some need to justify everything we experience?

In this world
is there only cold, hard reason?
Or, is there also unprecedented, unexpected intuition?
Which is more powerful?
Which drives us toward the place where we belong? -The place where we want to be?
Couldn't they both? Would we ever know?
But why then? Why are we sometimes driven by knowledge or fact and other times purely by love?
And what about hate? Are we ever driven by pure hatred?
Or, is hatred merely fear? Fear of losing love.
Hate - at its core - is simply love, isn't it?
When something is the object of hate, that is usually because it is seen as a threat to an object of affection or love.

But I wonder then: if love is the ultimate motivator, why is it never enough?
Why does it not satisfy society?
Why can't the utmost desire of the soul be sufficient?
Why do we let what is so-called "truth" and "righteousness" keep us from what we feel with the most power - what we should see as most important?

What is truth anyway? What is right and moral?
Shouldn't I decide that? And not be swayed by the norms of society?
Shouldn't I decide what determines my strength of character?
Who else has a say in determining whether or not the way I live is "right" if I am living in a way that is not harmful to others?
I don't see a definition for "the way to live" anywhere.
Is the constitution a dictionary? No.
Yea, the rules of society are based on "inborn human rights" but those aren't written in stone anywhere either.
Yea people should enjoy basic freedoms, but we protect them by placing so many other restrictions on society.

So romantic? The pursuit of happiness based on feeling.
Or, realistic? The pursuit of happiness based on a flawed idea of realism.
The romance of love, the realism of war?
It is all fair, or so they say.
Is it all fair?
The brutality? The heartache?
Is it only fair when love becomes equivalent to war?

What if love is my main motivator? And for real too.
What if nothing really truly matters but love?
There are all these things about being yourself. Not being swayed by society. Not changing for others.
I am love. All of the real me is based on that.
And all of me is willing to die for love.
Yet, somehow, none of this fits together.
It is morally expected of you to fulfill all of these standards by society.
But what if love is somehow in the way of that?
Shouldn't love take priority?
It does for me.

I'm pretty sure I am talking about 4 different things here, but it all relates in my head.



The only thing I can say for sure is last night felt like some sort of dream.
I was convinced I would wake up this morning and realize it had never happened. But it did. I am in shock. I believed so strongly one way about how this ordeal would play out. In time I lost that sight and started to believe that I would never be at least consoled about all of this. Now, everything is different. Again, unexpectedly, the span of the rest of my life has become opened up. Last time, everything I had looked forward to was completely obliterated. Now I don't know what has happened to the future. I don't know what has happened to the past. Again I have to let go of all of these new things that I had convinced myself. But this time I have to also try to regain all of the things I knew all along, but simply lost sight of.
I by no means know what I want anymore. Or perhaps, I don't think what I want will ever be in my reach. It would be. It could be. Love should be enough.

But maybe love is enough only for those who let it be enough. Enough to fulfill their entire self. But it will never be enough for those who find need in trivial things and allow that to get in the way.

I am in love. I always have been.
And I am loved back.
But love still seems unrequited when the other seems to deem it too insignificant to fight for.

Talking in circles.
In ways my heart is at such rest simply knowing that he cared enough to try.
And in ways my heart has never felt so much chaos at one time in knowing that there is a chance, there is two chances. There is a decisions. There are many decisions. Not just by me, but by everyone involved.

nothing new

Nyg. I'm always ok. not. I'm never ok. why do you even ask.

Kristin. yea. i can live for myself. but only if i forget everything that i stand for. that is why i live for others. so if living for myself is what you want, then i will do that for you but it will be fake because you won't know the difference. because the real me will never be. as real as i am compared to most people, the REAL me is suppressed. i don't think the real alex can ever exist. it tries to break out, but this world doesn't have an answer for all the questions the real alex has. so, the world wont ever let the real alex out. so living for myself is rather generic. to live for myself would most likely mean to die...or some other extreme that contradicts living.

so yea, i will do things in life to help the world because i care. but i care generically because i don't believe any amount of caring will do a damn thing in the long run. it may help at the time it is being activated, but ultimate doom for all is at the back of my mind. optimism is rare and when it comes it burns with fury and all too quickly in my soul.

i really feel like i alone understand this concept. the most i wish for myself is to smile. that is all anyone ever really needs/wants. the problems is i want so much more in life (all "the marrow" if you will) that even a tiny bit more than smiling is too much.

you will read this. think you understand. you don't. i've accepted that i am alone. my soul is on its own. thats it. and it brings me to tears but nothing is going to change it. i hate it. i hate myself for being like this. i like the person i am. but i hate the person i REALLY am for making this so complicated.

sometimes i wish i was ignorant.

The Fray: lyrics for how i feel.

She Is:
"Do not get me wrong I cannot wait for you to come home
For now you're not here and I'm not there, it's like we're on our own
To figure it out, consider how to find a place to stand
Instead of walking away and instead of nowhere to land

This is going to break me clean in two
This is going to bring me close to you

She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed

It's all up in the air and we stand still to see what comes down
I don't know where it is, I don't know when, but I want you around
When it falls in place with you and I, we go from if to when
Your side and mine are both behind it's indication

This is going to bring me clarity
This'll take the heart right out of me."

How to save a life:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you"

All At Once:
Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it, maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come"

Fall Away:
You swear you recall nothing at all
That could make you come back down
You made up your mind to leave it all behind
Now you're forced to fight it out

You fall away from your past
But it's following you

You left something undone, it's now your rerun
It's the one you can't erase
You should have made it right, so you wouldn't have to fight
To put a smile back on your face"

Look After You:
If I don't say this now I will surely break
As I'm leaving the one I want to take
Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate

There now, steady love, so few come and don't go
Will you won't you, be the one I always know
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you

It's always have and never hold
You've begun to feel like home
What's mine is yours to leave or take
What's mine is yours to make your own"

Hundred:
The how I cant recall
But im staring at
What once was the wall
Separating east and west
Now they meet admidst
The broad daylight

Its hard I must confess
Im banking on the rest to clear away
Cause we have spoken everything
Everything short of I love you
You right where you are
From right where I am
Somewhere between
Unsure and a hundred

And who's to say its wrong
And who's to say that its not right
Where we should be for now"

Vienna
The day's last one-way ticket train pulls in
We smile for the casual closure capturing
There goes the downpour
There goes my fare thee well

There's so many words that we can say
Spoken upon long-distance melody
This is my hello
This is my goodness

Maybe in five or ten yours and mine will meet again
Straighten this whole thing out
Maybe then honesty need not be feared as a friend or an enemy
But this is the distance
And this is my gameface"

Dead Wrong:
If only I knew what I know
I'd make it a point to say so
To everyone that got me here
And everyone that made it clear

I was dead wrong all along
You said it for my sake
That I would not lose my way
When I was astray

I'm doing the best that I could.
Trying my best to be understood
Maybe I'm changing slowly
I get out, turn around....."

Little House:
She doesn't look, she doesn't see
Opens up for nobody
Figures out, she figures out
Narrow line, she can't decide
Everything short of suicide
Never hurts, nearly works

A part of you that'll never show
You're the only one that'll ever know
Take it back when it all began
Take your time, would you understand
What it's all about?
What it's all about?

Something is scratching
Its way out
Something you want
To forget about
No one expects
You to get up
All on your own with
No one around"

Trust Me
Looking for something I've never seen
Alone and I'm in between
The place that I'm from and
The place that I'm in
A city I've never been
I found a friend or should I say foe
Said there's a few things you should know
We don't want you to see
We come and we go
Here today, gone tomorrow

If I say who I know it just goes to show
You need me less than I need you
Take it from me
We don't give sympathy
You can trust me, trust nobody
But I said you and me
We don't have honesty
The things we don't want to speak
I'll try to get out but I never will
Traffic is perfectly still

Were only taking turns
Holding this world
It's how it's always been
When you're older you will understand
And again maybe you don't
And again maybe you won't"





can't stop listening to this cd. it defines my life right now.
still feel alone and lost and i honestly don't know what to do.

In Memorium ((of nothing))

it is impossible to remember the future,
especially when the future is full of lies.

((and it always was))

((and it always will be))

Familiar. Crazy. Alone.

I know this behavior all too well.
And I fear I know the truth.
I need to take this all in slowly before it is actually spoken.
I can't break down.
I need to be okay.
I'm just in shock.

I feel my shell reforming, more tightly than before.
Maybe it will be fragile and crack easily once again but I hope not.
I am sick of pain.
Strength! That is my goal. More strength to be self reliant.

I think, eventually, I can be fine alone.
I need to be.

I'm scared. I will admit that. I am terrified.
I sound insane.
I am.
.
.
.

Timber.

wrote this last night:

My corner which I cower in doesn't hold me the way I need.
My blanket which I wrap myself in isn't sufficient in keeping me safe.
My ball of self that I curl into does not bring me enough comfort.

I NEED my best friend. That is Tony. That is Caitlin. But Nygil, who I turn to, he has always had the answers to late-at-night questions (after Tony left and after Caitlin went to bed).

but late-at-night questions go unanswered tonight. I am alone for the first minute of the new day. Dreams and the stillness of sleep engulf them with serenity.

And I am nearly alone with midnight thoughts, tired of bothering my weary friends. But I am accompanied by the only one who has stayed, loyal at my side through days and sleepless nights, unwaveringly, tirelessly since the second grade. Who followed me wherever life takes me.

Timber is my